Halo
by itzalliballi
Summary: Because no matter how many love songs she writes that say otherwise, she still has no idea whether love is enough or not.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone! So, this is my first IS fanfic, but it has seriously been floating in my head for EVER. I started writing this way before Jude and Tommy even got together on the show before her eighteenth. So As for the timeline thing.. I guess it's kind of cuts off from the show right before the episode they got together. The Angie thing didn't happen. It's a future fic though. Jude is 20. PLEASE let me know what you think, or if I should continue! I worked really hard on it.  
**

**  
Oh. This is written in second POV, and this chapter is in Jude's.  
**

What is a halo? Well, according to Webster it's the aura of glory or sentiment surrounding an idealized person or thing. You guess being Jamie's best friend wore off on you at some point, because there is no real logical reason you would know that. You hear jokes about not-so-innocent people having halos, or being 'angelic'. Or even in the opposite connotation, being mocked because they live a life that most would find safe- possibly even boring. It makes it seem so positive, so perfect, so - well you don't know what the word is, but you know whatever it is, it is wrong. What happens when you're the one idealized? Sometimes the glow is blinding, and the ideals are impossible to maintain. So it leaves you with nothing but the empty pit in the bottom of your stomach. What if the halo never fades away? Are you doomed to burn out like a star that's burned it's last blaze? And then you finally do blaze out, because, face it, all stars fade eventually. As Celine Dion once so delicately sang along with rain and tax, it is just inevitable. Is your idolizer still going to be there with a flashlight to help you find your way?

Tommy is your life. He's your best friend, your producer, your boyfriend, and as far as you're concerned he's the love of your life. There is absolutely nothing you wouldn't do for him, but sometimes you hate the way he looks at you. You hate the way that you know he sees you. You're his girl, his **angel**. You're completely terrified to wake up one morning and have him realize that you're not perfect. You're so incredibly afraid to lose him sometimes, it makes it hard to breathe. Apparently breathing is essential to life. Who knew. Probably should have paid more attention in school, and less time writing meaningless songs with Jamie on how to change the world. Then again, you might not have Tommy, and that just isn't fathomable to you anymore. Tommy is your other half, and that probably scares you most of all. You are so intertwined that you're not sure how you'd survive without him. Just like you can't have coffee without milk- no matter what ANYONE says- you can not be without Tommy. He's the beat of your heart- No. He is the blood that runs through your veins. Without him, you would deteriorate to nothing. It is a fact. You know. You knew it the night after you performed at the Vinyl Palace, when he told you that writing a song was like falling in love. It wasn't "like"- it was. You'd already fallen in love with boy-bander Little Tommy Q, and there was not a damn thing you could do about it. Because as he said, you were **fifteen **and** way **out of bounds. Thank whoever it was that decided to create a calender so you were eventually in bounds, and doom those that made it wrong to begin with. Nothing about the way you felt for him was wrong. It was blissfully, heart-achingly right. Quite a contradiction you realize, but since when was love simple? If it was simple, you wouldn't have this pit in your stomach. The pit of doom. Because no matter how many love songs you write that say otherwise, you still have no idea whether love is enough or not. Why can't anyone give you THAT answer? Instead of if your bathing suit was in the top twenty of the hottest styles of the summer. Truthfully, you really just did NOT care.

He already left for the studio a few hours ago. You'd promised you'd be in by noon. It is now 11:07, and you still haven't gotten in the shower. What can you say, there is more than one perk to living with your producer. Darius, on the other hand, well that's another story. He hasn't exactly approved of your relationship, but there isn't much he can do as long you make great music. Not to blow your own horn, but you make damn good music together. Writing a song with him is one of your absolute favorite things to do in the entire world. God, or whoever you decide to believe in at the appropriate time, willing, you will be doing it for a long time. The only problem is that sometimes there are just some things you don't want Tommy to know, and you think he has problems with that sometimes. Which is pretty irritating since he is the king of secrets. You've known him five years, dated him for two, lived with him for one, and sometimes you still can't shake the feeling that you know next to nothing about him. Yet, he gets irritated that some of your songs are just that- yours. They aren't meant to be recorded, or shared, or discussed. They are just your venting mill. You never said living with him didn't have it's downsides either.

12:24. Not too bad, right? You've done much worse. Let's just hope Tommy sees it that way. You doubt it. "Hey Tommy." You give your best smile as you make your way into Studio B where Tommy has taken permanent residence during work hours. Something about the vibes, or echoes? You don't know exactly. You trust him though.

"You're late, again, girl." You bite your lower lip softly as he looks at you disapprovingly, the fear that he'd finally realized just how many things you had wrong with you welling up in your chest faster than usual. The way his eyes flickered quickly, his chest rising steadily let you know that he was kidding though, so you take the sarcastic/sincere route, the route most traveled in your case, because that's what he likes to hear. He likes to see you smile and joke with him about truly anything. If it puts a smile on his face, it's enough for you. Even though you can't help but wonder if that feeling is mutual. You pray to the clear skies every time that it is. Unfortunately, clear skies had become almost obsolete in the recent weeks. Damn the weather man for warning you. At least you could have lived in hopeful harmony as you stared up at the sky.

"All apologies, baby." You tighten your grasp on your notebook until a smile breaks on his face. The notebook that he'd given you. Well, the twelfth one he gave you. All identical, all have your named seemingly engraved on the cover. You'd originally had notebooks for different moods you'd found yourself in, but you'd found it was completely too difficult to carry around a notebook for all the emotions you ran through in a day, and it was much easier to keep one at a time, more of a collage of emotions so that you wouldn't be completely happy as you read through them, or in some cases unbelievably depressed. And although you don't like to admit it much, you know that you have more than a few notebooks full of angry songs as well. These, for the most part, are the songs that you don't want Tommy to read. You'll face your insecurities when you're ready, and not a moment sooner.

"Lucky for you, D has been in a meeting for an hour." He chuckles, and you finally release the breath you weren't quite aware you were holding. You could have sworn you'd convinced yourself he was joking before you'd given your flirty apology, but you were proven wrong- as usual. Being proven wrong was not uncommon for you these days, a fact that drove you mad enough to lock yourself in a room for hours at a time and write song after song about how much you truly **detested** it all.

"Ass." You mutter before closing the distance between you two and climb onto his lap, your legs going on either side of his, using your hands to cup his face, bringing his lips to yours in a sensual kiss. It was kisses like that that reminded you why exactly you were living with glooming worry. He did, in fact, complete you. And you believed, against everything outside the two of you to tell you otherwise, that you completed him as well. You had to.

"You do know I'm still here, right guys?" Kwest laughs at you as he refocuses his attention to the recording area, where SME is recording their sec-, no, third song of their first CD. You miss them already. They'd stayed with you longer than you'd expected because of loyalty. As much as you missed them though, you were so incredibly excited for them. They were never meant to be just a back up band. They had so much talent. You realize that it's odd that you're thinking about their musical talents while you are kissing your boyfriend, but it's hard not to when they are practically giving you a live performance. A performance that you were no longer in, and that fact in itself, it hurt you more than you cared to admit. Because to anyone else, including Tommy, you were only over-the-moon happy for them. You were sure you would be as soon as you found a back up band that you liked even half as much as you loved those guys. They were your family, and with the way your own family turned out, you needed them around. Loosing them wasn't an option either- not really.

Tommy whines for a moment before pulling away from the kiss long enough to press the speaker button. "Take 5, guys."

"HEY JUDE!" The guys yell out, and you can't help but laugh as you lean into the speaker, sending them the sorriest look you can muster. What can you say, you missed him in the four- no five hours since you'd last seen him. That'd only been brief. Just long enough for him to wake you up to tell you he was leaving, and just enough time for a tiny kiss goodbye. Too tiny, you realize as your memory flashed the kiss before your eyes, almost as if your had no part in it at all. It was as if you were having an outer body experience. And although you'd never actually asked, you wondered if he had similar revelations. Like for instance, in this memory, you now distinctly remember the way he'd used just his powerful eyes to wake you as he dressed himself. Because as it often happens, your bad habit of always being late had definitely rubbed off on him, whether he would ever admit it to anyone or not.

"Sorry guys." You laugh as they all leave the room, each giving their thoughts on your "sickening loveyness."

"On that note, I'm going to go eat lunch. See you two later." Kwest leaves quickly, leaving the two of you alone.

"You didn't tell me you were working with SME today. I would have taken the day off." You grin, readjusting yourself just a little bit closer to him than you'd been previously.

"I know." He grins sheepishly. "That's why I didn't tell you. Besides, we're almost done, then I'm all yours."

"All mine?" You grin as you lean into his ear, letting your tongue flicker onto his earlobe for a mere second before pulling away.

"Oh, why must you do this to me at work?" He groans as he tightens his grasp on your hips. "You know D will kill us if he catches us again."

"Because I can." You grin at him before leaning into his neck, leaving soft butterfly kisses at all of his most sensitive places. All of which you've come to love as much as every other part of him. Especially when you can feel the roaring in his throat as the moan begs to leave his lips.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you not to start what you can't finish, girl?" His voice comes out low and husky, and if anything, it only encourages you to continue. It's just so damn sexy. Not to mention how his eyes turn this dark color that is completely hypnotizing. He is hypnotizing.

"Who said anything about not finishing?" You offer a wicked grin as you slip out of his grasp, and walk to the doorway to close the blinds, and lock the door. When you turn back to him, his eyes are bulged open from surprise. It's not the first time you had have had sex at G- Major, just the first time during normal business hours. But a girl's gotta live sometime, and what's better than the present, you decide.

"S... Seriously?" He croaks as he looks through the recording studio at the the wall that was made mostly of glass with no blinds. Inevitably thinking of probably the hundreds people that could see you two.

You grin as you walk past him to sit on the couch that'd been placed in there the week before for SME. "I'll be quiet." You bite your index finger softly as you lower yourself onto the couch that was barely off the ground.

"Like that's possible." He laughs as he slides out of his chair, making his way to you, probably waiting for you to declare it a big bluff. A declaration that you're SURE isn't coming.

"You know there's no stopping this when I get down there, right?" He grins as he stands in front of you. You simply nod with a smile as you grab onto his hands, pulling him down beside you so you can climb on him again.

"You're perfect, girl." He mumbles against your lips, and as quickly as you'd started it, it was over. He just had to say it, he couldn't stop himself. You slide off him, reclasping your bra that he'd made quick work to get rid of.

"Wha.. What's wrong?" He asks, completely unaware of what he'd done wrong. Guys can be so stupid sometimes. Given, most girls like being called perfect. But your not most girls. Why couldn't he just of said he loved you like a normal guy? Except for the fact that Tommy rarely says 'I love you'. On rare occasions it slips, but never during sex. You get the idea, but sometimes you just wish he'd break his own rules. Perfect is so unattainable. You're about as far from perfect as they come.

"The guys will be back in a minute. I... It'd just be weird." You offer your best smile at him before running your fingers through your hair to fix any kinks. "I.. I'll make it up to you, promise." You smile before unlocking the door, and walking out. Damn it. Damn perfection to the deepest depths of purgatory.

**Thoughts? Love? Hate? Bored to tears? Please let me know!**

**OMG! Side note to Loren! YOU ARE MY HERO! Thank you SO much for all of your help!! You rock! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi guys, thanks for the reviews! I'm glad ya'll like it!This chapter is pretty short, but I think it sort of stands on it's own compared to the last chapter or the next one. I'm moving tomorrow, so it will probably be a few days before I get internet set back up! Just so you know!**

** Oh. this is Jude's POV again!  
**

You've been consumed by music your entire life. You've listened to all kinds. Loved some, hated some, hell, you've even cried over some. Including your own. You've written some pretty far out there things over the years. Some that you would never show anyone, probably not even Jamie. Even though he swears up and down he knows about every thought that's ever entered your mind, much less the songs you've written. Sometimes you wonder if he's right. You need to call him. You haven't talked to him in what seems like ages. He lives in New York, now. Talent scout for the G- Major down there. You hope he's coming back soon. He'd know how to make you feel better, even though you would never tell him your real fears. There's just some conversations you can't have with your lifelong best friend/ ex boyfriend, no matter how much better it'd make you feel. There's always Sadie, but let's face it; she lives to be perfect. You swear she's about as close as they come to achieving it. You wonder sometimes how you have the same parents. That is until you look at your parents, and then you're just surprised you were born at all. All you can say is **Thank God** for divorce. Makes the world a better place. At least your world.

You make your way out into the alleyway, and you're immediately bombarded with the chill of the ice-cold air that's abusing your quickly chapping lips and reddened nose. An unknown swear to the human language leaves your lips as you tighten the jacket around your body. Can you just say how happy it makes you that it's at least somewhat acceptable to wear trench coats these days. At least, according to Portia. And let's face it, she knows a hell of a lot more about style than you do. If it was up to you, you'd never be out of jeans and tank tops.

Unfortunately, she'd have you murdered. You happen to owe her a lot, considering she was the one who convinced D to give you a chance in the first place. Wow, you can't believe how long ago that was. You'd be lying if you said you weren't jealous when you found out she was married to Tommy. If you were really honest with yourself, which is something you try to avoid if at all possible, you'd say you're just a little terrified that they are going to rekindle their love somehow and leave you in the dust, with Kwest of course. Kwest is your only solace in that aspect. They really do make an adorable couple. Then again, who wouldn't Portia look amazing with? Even her and Tommy, as much as you hate to admit it, were uberly adorable in the pictures of when they were together. It's kind of hard to believe they were if you saw them together now though. It's always a little awkward. Reminds you of your parents. Wow. How did that just happen? That's what you get for letting yourself think alone. You end up thinking about Tommy's ex wife!

"Jude?" Speak of the damn monkeys. If it isn't the goddess in the flesh.

"Hey Portia." You offer her your best smile considering the fact that your teeth have started chattering in hymns.

"What ya doing out here, hun? It's freezing!" She lets out a small laugh as she uses the opened door to block some of the cold air from harassing her skin.

"Needed some air, I guess." You lift your head towards the sky and watch as the first snowflakes of the day start to fall. Perfect. Now I'm going to be cold and wet.

"You ok?" It's hard to hate someone who is always so nice to you. Especially considering she wasn't nice to Sadie when she was with Tommy. Hell, she still isn't nice to Sadie. At least you've never seen it.You're not sure why she is so nice to you. Sometimes, like now when you want to hate her, you really wish she wasn't. A sigh escapes your lips as your hands- completely against your will- form a cup in front of you for the flakes to fall into. Despite snow's icky factor, you really love it. It's so pure, yet so Not perfect. In some weird twisted way, snow is your idol. Well, except, of course, when it turns gray from people trampling all over it, not to mention from exhaust, and you know, melts. You didn't want to disappear into merely nothing to be soaked up by the sun. But before then, before all the wear and tear on it, snow was the epitome of everything you wanted to be- for him. It was perfection.

Shaking the thoughts out of your mind, you turn towards her, undoubtedly a pout on your lips. If anyone knew Tommy, it'd be her, right? But how awkward would that conversation be. 'I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how to get Tommy, you know your ex-husband, to stop telling me I'm perfect when we're about to have sex.' Yeah, no thanks. "I'm good." Wow, you're a really horrible liar. See, you're really not perfect, you scold yourself harshly. You can't even tell a simple lie that people tell multiple times on a daily basis.

"What'd Tommy do now?" She grins, finally leaving the confines of the doorway, making her way towards you.

You shake your head hoping that she'd drop it, but you're sure the fact that you can't stop biting your lip isn't helping. Why can't you just keep your mouth shut like a normal person? "Nothing. Really. It's me." You suck at silence, alright. You fail at life. Move on, you think to yourself, fighting the urge to hit your forehead with the palm of your hand.

Her eyes bulged slightly as she moved closer to you, apparently paparazzi is everywhere these days. Last thing you need is this conversation on front page news. "You didn't cheat on him, right?" Should you be mad that she's that protective of him still? Guess you should think about that later.

"No no no. Nothing like that. I lo.." You cut off the sentence, not sure whether or not you should finish it or not. This conversation is just beyond weird.

"I'm not still hung up on Tommy, Jude. That.. That's ancient history." You let out a sigh of relief as she confirms what you'd been hoping for longer than you'd care to admit. "Besides.." She continues, her smile getting bigger by the millisecond. "I'm engaged!" You hadn't found it odd before, but now that you see the rather large ring on her finger, she has had her hand in her pockets all morning, which is SO unlike her. She loves talking with her hands.

"Oh my gosh! Holy beloved cows! Congrats Portia!" You pull her into a tight hug, ignoring the part of your happiness that is completely selfish and unrelated to her love for Kwest. "Since when?" You ask, realizing that she'd obviously been hiding it.

"Last night. Kwest wanted to tell Tom before it got out though, so I told him I would keep it a secret till tomorrow. But I just.. I had to tell someone. Please don't say anything though." Aw, she's blushing. You can't believe she told you at all, much less the first person. "So talk to me." She grinned, leaning against the brick wall, a breath of cold air leaving her lips in a puff. Ah ha. It was a pawn. Bribe even. She told you a secret for one in return. Damn.

"When you were with Tommy... never mind. No. I can't. Sorry." You offer her a sad smile in apology before facing back straight to the wall across from you.

"You know.. It takes a lot for me to admit that someone can make Tommy happier than I did. Even though our marriage failed miserably, I still like to think I made him pretty happy when we were together. But you... I've never seen Tommy light up the way he does when you walk into a room. It's nice to see him happy. I'm trying to say that I'm happy he has you."

"Thanks Portia. I hope that you and Kwest are happy. You both deserve it!" You pull her into another hug as the snow stops falling, just as quickly as it started.

"We should get back inside." She smiles, and you nod. She's right. Atleast long enough to grab your bag, but you don't say that part as you follow her inside. There are some things you just need to keep to yourself.

**Like I say, I know it's short, but they get longer! Please let me know what you think! **


	3. Chapter 3

You've never been the kind of girl to run away from all of your problems. You generally end up facing them even sooner than needed when you try to run. It's a fact you've learned in your life. But today, you feel the need to run, and run fast. So you do. You make your way out the doors of G-Major without even an odd glance thrown your way. Which you are thankful for because you don't really have the energy to think of a fake excuse to tell them. You continue your brisk walk that had almost escalated into a full out run past your car and before you know it, you are on the streets of your beautiful city, and allow yourself to be submerged in the essence of it. You'd spent so much time in the studio that you'd forgotten how you used to spend hours on end scavenging the city for any and every thing your, or Katt's, heart desired. Wow, you realize that you haven't thought of Katt in a long time. You hate that she didn't need you like you needed her. She was the one girl that understood you and your quirks, and you lost her because why? Fame? Wasn't everyone supposed to want to be your friend when you're famous? You wonder vaguely if she's made it big yet with designing. Although, you reason quickly that you would have heard about it. After all, Portia is always looking at new designers. She would tell you, right? Did Portia even know Kat? You can't remember anymore so you shrug it off, wondering where all the time went.

You're almost twenty one, and the thought astounds you. Which also means that you're anniversary is coming up. You hope they aren't planning you a party, but there's no telling. You think it's a possibility since they are pushing you to finish you're album, but it's hard to tell with that group. Especially Sadie. Always the party planner. To see her walk around that place, you'd never guess she was the receptionist. But she was. You've often wondered why since she's had so many opportunities to do so much more with her life, but you decide that she needs her family, and by family you mean you. You haven't seen your mom in years from when she flew off with Don, and your dad. Well, you suppose he's still around the city. Neither of you ever see him. But you figure that happens when you get older. He was at your last concert in Toronto, so you know he still cares about you, and that's enough for you. A shadow of someone is better than nothing at all. You know all about shadows, because that's just about all you see of people anymore. Their shadows.

You barely notice when a fan stops you in your path and asks for an autograph. You plaster your best smile as they hand you a pen, and you wonder vaguely if you're the only person that doesn't carry one around with you. Tommy even usually carries one. He likes to make jokes about getting girls phone numbers. And although you know he's kidding, you can't help but search his pockets sometimes, especially when you are in a fight. It's not that you don't believe he loves you, you know that he wouldn't be with you after so long if he didn't, but once again the question of it being enough slips into your mind. You hate not having answers. You demand answers.

You mindlessly walk into the nearest diner, and it wasn't until you see the booth that you realize it's where your first date was suppose to happen. The night he left for Montana. You almost allow yourself to breakdown right there, but then you see a camera in the corner of your right eye flash. And you remind yourself that your in public, so you smile at the cameras before making your way to the other side of the diner. No way are you sitting in that booth again. You couldn't be paid to. Especially not alone.

You find it odd that you haven't been back here with Tommy. Maybe he isn't too happy with the memory either. You still can't believe how you chased after him. Like you were some puppy that was being abandoned on the side of the road, begging your owner to come back for you with whimpers and cries. You cringe as the memory flows through your mind.

Luckily, it gets washed away as the waitress walks up to you. You try not to look at her directly. Mostly because you don't want to be noticed any more than you have to be, and partly because she has a big smudge of her red lipstick on her two front teeth, and it makes you not want to open your own mouth, even though you aren't wearing lipstick. Thank goodness. You might never be able to wear it again.

"I'll just have a water, no lemon. Thanks." You order before she even composes herself enough to ask. You wonder if you seemed rude, and you probably did, but you don't care enough to apologize. Everyone has their bad days. You hope she wasn't a big fan, because then you might feel guilty. Maybe. You almost call her back until your phone's ringtone for Tommy fills the air. "Your Eyes." To be exact. You aren't sure if it's normal to have your own song as your ringtone, but you don't care.

At least not when it comes to Tommy.

"Hello." You smile genuinely for the first time since you left his arms as you answer the phone, until you realize you didn't tell him you were leaving and knowing he's probably worried sick about you. "Baby?" You manage to get out weakly. You hear a sigh on the other end, and you hope it's of relief and not sorrow.

"Girl. I've been looking all over for you!" Your heart flutters slightly as he says girl, which shouldn't happen since he does it all of the  
time, but it does, and you would probably be worried if it didn't. "Where are you?" Your eyes glance towards the doorway as it opens, and you're slightly disappointed it's not Tommy. Not that there's any reason he'd know you were there, but you'd hoped.

"The cafe down the street." You get out in a solid voice that even surprises yourself.

"Oh. Well, are you okay?" He asks you, and you grin as you imagine him running his hand over the top of his hair that is probably messed up from earlier. Unless he's fixed it, which wouldn't surprise you in the least.

"Yeah. Just needed some air, then I got thirsty." You clear your throat as you realize how dry it is, and you blame the bitter cold wind outside.

"Want some company?" You grin involuntarily at his question as you silently nod your head, not quite remembering that you're on the phone and that he wouldn't be able to see you if he was at the studio.

"Good." He grins, and once again the door opens to reveal his slightly shivering form. You immediately flip your phone shut before jumping up and running into his arms. You didn't realize how much you needed him with you until he was there in the doorway. He always knows when you need him the most, somehow. "You know, there would have been consequences if you'd said no." He tightens his grasp around your waist playfully before you lead him back to the table, realizing that that display of affection would probably be front page news tomorrow. Oh well. It's not that you were doing anything wrong, but you two have made a conscious effort to keep low key when you aren't promoting a CD or music video.

"So what kind of consequences are we talking bout here, Quincy?" You grin as he sits across from you at your table.

"Oh. Severe." He smiled wickedly at you, letting it be clear that none of them were the least bit innocent, and a small part of you wished that you would have said no for that reason alone. But there were always other chances. It was only three o'clock.

"Is that a promise?" You stretch your left leg under the table until you feel it rub against the inside of his leg. You watch as his eyes  
subtly widen until his entire iris is exposed in both sockets. You love his eyes. Although, you don't figure that's a secret to anyone that's ever heard any of your music.

"It's a guarantee." He licked his bottom lip slowly, you realize it's the same pace as ur leg is moving up his, so you decide to go even slower, just to see how far he would let you go. You lick your own lips without realizing it until his arm extends itself towards you, his thumb landing on your bottom lip that was newly moistened. You fight the urge to nibble on it with your teeth as he runs a soft line back and forth, right when you're about to give into the desire, he moves his hand to your cheek, tracing the lining of your jaw. You wonder if he could read your mind, but you decide that you are probably just predictable to him. You don't know if that's a good thing or not. Predictable is boring. Like teenage chick-flicks that always end with the big kiss. You hate those movies, so you can't help but wonder why he is still with you.

"Tommy?" You fumble slightly on the T in his name, but he doesn't seem to notice, which you find odd since his job requires him to have exceptional hearing.

"What's wrong?" He gives you a look that seems to promise that he will always be there, which is endearing to you since that's what's been plaguing your mind for weeks.

"Do you want kids?" You can tell the question took him by surprise, but you'd never been one to beat around the bush, and so you figure he'll recover quickly. And he does.

"Uh. Well. I.. I honestly don't know." He frowns, not at you, mostly to himself, and you wonder, only vaguely, if maybe he's had some love kids of his own. Or at least some pregnant groupies. You don't have groupies without the occasional slip up. At least you doubt it. Not that you would know, you'd never slept with anyone except him, and surprisingly his sexual past doesn't bother you. Until now, when it could definitely affect your future.

"You've never thought about it?" You aren't sure exactly how that came across to him, but it was suppose to be more curious than accusing. You watch helplessly as he furrows his brow in concentration, his hands forming a tight grip onto yours. Not harshly in any way, almost supportive. All though you aren't sure who exactly is supporting who.

"Well.. I mean. Not really. Not since I was with Portia. We talked about it. But I think we both knew it would be a huge mistake. We were only 18." He frowns, and I can't help but wonder if maybe there's more to that story than he's telling. Was Portia ever pregnant? Is that something he would tell you? This was just another thing on the never ending list of things you don't know about Thomas Quincy, and it was really starting to grate on your nerves.

"So there's never been any..." You trail off, not quite knowing how to phrase the question. You want to call it an accident, but that would seem offensive if it was a sore subject. "Situations." You decide as you watch his face carefully for some sort of reaction, even if it wasn't verbal.

"You mean.. Pregnancies?" He meets your gaze, and all of a sudden you don't want to know the answer, but you'd already asked it, so you nod your head, bracing yourself for the answer. You aren't sure which answer would make you feel better, if that was possible.

He opens his mouth slowly to speak before closing it again, and once again you can feel his grasp on your hands tighten, and although you know it isn't on purpose, it is becoming increasingly painful, not that you'd say that when he obviously needed it. "Why?" He asks suddenly, and just as quickly as you'd resolved to making yourself have this conversation, you revolted against it. You swallow the urge to change the subject though, because that would set off even more alarms.

"Just curious." You manage weakly, and you hope that although he doesn't seem to believe that, he'll let it slide. After all, you are a very inquisitive person, so it wouldn't be completely off base for you to ask such a question. It was weirder the way he was responding.

"Several. I think. I mean, there were a few who claimed to be pregnant, and then once I asked for a DNA test, they suddenly disappeared to thin air. It was funny that way. And then there were was another girl, and it surprised me when she told me, because I actually remembered her. But, she was, we both were, only 16, so I.., well.. She disappeared for two weeks, and then informed my manager that it'd been taken care of." You almost cry as his eyes that were darted at the table turned dark, in anguish. Had he wanted the baby? Would you have ever met him if he had it?

"I.. I'm sorry Tommy." You whisper, but it is obvious that he doesn't hear you, obviously engrossed in a memory he probably hadn't allowed himself to think of in a long time. While he sat in silence. You tried to remember the last time he was this open with you about his past, and you aren't sure he ever had, except maybe that one night you two, Sadie, and Kwest played twenty questions. But that was a whole other kind of bizarre. Of course, considering Sadie was playing with her sister and two ex boyfriends. You're sure she felt more awkward than you did, especially when you, drunkenly, asked her who was the better kisser.

Needless to say, she suddenly had an urge to go to the bathroom, and by the time she got back, the question had been forgotten, but she informed you later that she really couldn't answer the question because they had kissed her differently. Looking back on that conversation, you wish you would have had the nerve to ask how they were different, but you know you won't ever bring that up again, because it didn't seem like it easy for her to say.

You're still not sure what happened with her and Kwest, but you can't help now but wonder if it had something to do with Portia. Guilt washed over you as you realize that you're not even sure Sadie is over Kwest. It's been almost a year, but you knew it took Sadie awhile to get over guys she really cared about. You make a note to have lunch with her soon, preferably before the engagement news breaks out, if possible. Although, it might be more beneficial if it was afterwards. That would definitely require some retail therapy.

You get brought out of your thoughts as Tommy finally speaks again. "And then there's Portia." He frowned, and your heart nearly breaks that you were right. There had been more to the story, and you have a feeling this is what had upset him the most. He'd married her. You wonder if he's going to take the engagement worse than Sadie, and if he does, how are you suppose to take that? You don't think you could make yourself be understanding as he's jealous of his ex wife getting married. Yet, you can't ignore the fact that there's going to be some kind of feeling involved, especially since it's Kwest. Although, it's not like it's new. The same thing happened with Sadie. At least you think so, you were never quite sure what happened with all of that. You squeeze his hand the best you can considering his grip, and silently urge him to continue, even if you're terrified of where it's going.

"I wasn't a good husband to Portia." He frowned, and although you'd known that, it still broke your heart to hear him confess it because although you weren't married, he was so amazing to you. "I wasn't even decent. I don't think I knew how to be a husband, because I'd never been around a functional family. And I was 18, and in a band, and I thought I was on top of the world, and I wanted my cake and to eat it too." He bit on his lower lip roughly, and you couldn't help but worry that he was going to make himself bleed. As your eyes finally leave him to eye the waitress that was returning, you hope that none of the few people around you are reporters, because somehow you don't think this story has ever left the mouths of Tommy or Portia. You shake your head slowly to the waitress so that you wouldn't disrupt his thoughts and once she nodded back at you, you return your attention completely to him.

"I was in Florida when I found out. She was in LA at some fashion show, or so I thought, and I had a show in Ft. Lauderdale. She called me, and I.. " You almost whimper as he releases your hands and drop his into his lap. The loss of contact makes you feel alone, and you didn't want to feel like that, especially when he was telling you this story. "I was with another girl."

You wince at the confession, even though you assumed that's what he was going to say. He didn't like to talk about infidelity around you, and you didn't particularly like to hear him, but you ignored that because you wanted, no you needed to hear the story. "Needless to say, I was a little distracted for most of the conversation. Until she broke into tears. And suddenly, I wasn't some jackass boy-bander, I was her husband, and I knew that's what she needed, so I .. I sent the girl away so I could concentrate. I tried every thing in the book to console her. Nothing worked. You know, it's hard to console a girl over the phone!" You wonder if he's even really talking to you anymore, but you nod your head anyway because it is true. Girls tend to need to be held and cuddled. No piece of metal or plastic attached to the ear was going to do that. No matter how soft the voice was on the other end.

"I loved her, ya know. In my own way. Maybe not the way I was suppose to love her, or in the way she wanted me to love her, but I loved her the only way I knew how at the time." You wanted to reach out and hold him right then, but you knew he would never let you, so you wrap your arms around yourself instead, hoping it would at least help a little.

"I know." You frown because you do know. She was his first love, and all those sayings about how your first love never goes away terrifies you. Because although he was your first love, you were not his.

"I didn't even get a choice!" His throat was strained, and you almost jumped out of your seat as his fist banged against the table. "She'd already gotten rid of it when she told me. It was the same phone call when she told me she wanted a divorce." Ouch, you almost let it slip, but bit your tongue. Suddenly thankful that Shay hadn't broken up with you over the phone. Although, it might have been better than the after effects being on national TV, but at least you weren't married!

"Tommy..." You whisper barely audible, and you are surprised when he looks up at you and tears are welling in his eyes, making your heart ache even more to hold him. "Come here baby.." You scoot as far as possible to the wall, and are very thankful when he leaves his side and nearly crashes into yours, burying his head into your neck as close as he could get as you run your fingers through his hair and whispering into his ear how much you love him. Because you do. You love him so much that it physically aches you to think about sometimes. You can count on one hand how many times you've seen Tommy cry, and most of them involved you, so you didn't know how to console him about his past. "That's not your fault, babe. You have to know that." It's the only thing that you could think to say, and although it probably landed on deaf ears at the time, you hoped he'd at least store it and process it later.

You decide as your fingers run through his hair for the last time before sliding down to his back that today was not a good day. You aren't sure how long you two sat there holding onto each other before he pulls away reluctantly, still keeping his hands firmly on your hips. "I love you, girl. I know I don't say it very often, but I do. I don't deserve you, but I am so thankful to have you. You're the strings on my favorite guitar. Without you, I am nothing." You are sure that if it was possible to be Alex Mac, then you would be a puddle of water on the floor right now, but since it's not, you are staring wildly into his aqua marine eyes as his lips kiss your fingertips. You try to close your jaw, but it doesn't take directions well, so you try to morph it into a smile. A look that would probably scare away the Adam's Family kids, but he doesn't seem to mind.

Agitated as a songwriter that you can't come up with a single word to respond to his... outpour of emotion, you grip his face into your hands and pull him into a kiss that you're sure would make the people around you blush. Hell, you'll probably blush afterwards, you think as you pull away just enough for an ounce of oxygen before recapturing his lips.

"Someone's frisky today." He mutters as you bite down harder on his lower lip than usual, and you can't help but to bite down even more at the comment. He practically asked for it! You let out a soft giggle as a low moan roars in his throat. Apparently someones likes it frisky. You finally open your eyes to see several people staring at you, and so you gently push him away. You make a pact with yourself to not even glance at a tabloid for two weeks. There's no telling what their going to say about this.

"We should go." You whisper into his ear, and once he nods against your skin, you release your hold on him so that he can get up. You grin as he extends his hand to you, and after laying down a tip, which you found very to be nice of you considering you only got a water, you accept his hand and allow him to lead you out of the restaurant. You wonder if he even glanced at the forbidden table as you walked by. You knew you made a conscious effort not to, but it was practically calling you to look at it. And right before you reached the door, you gave into temptation and glanced over. You couldn't help but smile at the couple who was now occupying it, currently leaning into each other for a kiss, and all you could do was hope the table brought them more luck that it brought you.

The wind diminished your thoughts of the table as it stung your dry lips. It wasn't snowing anymore, but the wind was harsh and unforgiving. "Tommy." You pull on his hand to make him stop as you realize he'd driven his car, and pout until he turns to meet your gaze.

"Yeah?" He turns towards you and immediately pulls you into his arms, seemingly hiding you from the wind's lashings.

"I'm glad you came back to me." You whisper against his surprisingly warm skin as you wrap your arms around his neck as tightly as possible.

You wonder if he's surprised by all of your PDA, but you blame it on the restaurant for needing a little more attention than usual.

"I'll always come back to you, girl. Always." He whispers softly into your ear, causing a tingle to rush down your spine.

"I'm going to hold you to that, ya know?" You wrap your arms even tighter around him as you bury your head into his chest, closing your eyes as you smell his cologne. You love his cologne.

"I wouldn't have it any other way." He chuckles as he places a chaste kiss to your forehead before making his way to his car, opening the passenger door for you. "You're chariot awaits." He grins as he steps out of the way so you can get in.

"I hardly think a Viper is a chariot, Quincy." You laugh, but get into the car anyway. Who are you to refuse the man.

**Hey everyone! I know it was sort of sad, but I hope you guys liked it anyway! It was important to the rest of the story! Please let me know what you thought! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys! Thanks for the reviews! They made my day! **

Before you know it, he is in the drivers seat, and you are surprised when he doesn't make a u-turn to head for the studio. "Where are we going?" You ask, trying to think of anywhere on that side of town.

" I want to show you something." He doesn't offer you any more details as he idly turns on the radio. You almost laugh as "What You Need" by Spiederman fills the car. You still aren't sure why he isn't going solo, because his songs are amazing, but you also gets that he loves his band. You suppose he can always go solo when they go their separate ways. Like a amicable divorce, although you still aren't quite sure if that actually exists. But if anyone could pull it off, it'd be SME.

"I love this song." You sigh as you feel the car's heated air hit your face, immediately defrosting your frozen fingertips.

"We'll, of course you do girl, I produced it!" He laughed as he winked in your direction before turning his attention back onto the road. You follow his gaze to try to guess where he's taking you, but as you continue to pass any familiar surroundings, you start to lose hope of ever guessing.

"Yeah. That's why I like it. Has nothing to do with the fact that it's pretty much Speed's best song ever!" You roll your eyes playfully at him before laying your head on his shoulder. You generally aren't the girl who always needs the physical contact, but you blame it on the cold weather as he leans his head onto yours. The best he can do as his other hand is occupied with shifting gears.

"That hurt, Harrison." He pouted, and you can't help but lift your head enough to kiss his cheek, pacifying him enough to kill the pout. His pout is fatal, he could get the world with it. You watch as it slowly spreads into a smile before you lay your head back down. "That's not fair, ya know? I'm very good at pouting!"

"I just have magical kisses." You giggle, and the instant it leaves your lips, it feels out of place. But you ignore it as you realize that he is pulling into a sub division. A nice one at that. "Um. Are we lost, Tommy?" You glance around, and wait for him to turn into a driveway to turn around. Needless to say, you were very confused when he weaved his a through several streets in the neighborhood before making a stop in the center house of a cult a sack. The first thing you notice is the swing on the front porch that is moving idly with the wind, followed closely by the for sale sign in the yard. You force yourself to swallow the lump in your throat as you turn to look at Tommy, who has a far away look in his eyes. "Care to share, Quincy?" You ask as you turn your attention back to the house. It was a nice house. Brick with dark green shudders and a matching door. Two, possibly even three stories, with a three car garage. You laugh because you can't imagine Tommy ever living in a house like this, much less only owning three cars. Tommy had never been one to settle. Which is why you lived in the same apartment he'd rented out when he first came to Toronto for Georgia. A house was so permanent. Even after five, almost six years, you find it hard to believe that he's still there. Given, he had left, but he always came back.

"I was thinking about buying it." He admitted in what barely could barely be called a whisper. You're sure your face betrayed you with its shocked expression, but that wasn't anything you could help. Tommy wanted to buy a house? Since when?

"You realize you have enough cars to fill this entire yard, right babe?" You realized as you said it that that was probably the least of either of your concerns, but it was the only thing you could verbalize at the moment. Sharing an apartment and buying a house were completely different levels on the commitment chain. And since when was Tommy farther up on the chain than you? You suddenly felt very off center, and you didn't like the feeling. Then the thought hit you that maybe he didn't want to live with you anymore, that maybe the house would be his get away, but that didn't seem logical. He wouldn't have shown you if that was the case, would he? Maybe he just wanted your opinion. After all, he hadn't actually bought it yet. The "For Sale" sign in the yard confirmed that. Right?

"I could downsize!" He gapped openly at you as if you'd somehow insulted him, but you could tell that the fact that it had a 3 car a garage instead of one or two was not a mistake. Had he actually thought that far ahead?

"To two cars?" You raise your eyebrows in clear disbelief, and it wasn't until then that you realized you'd somewhere assumed along the way that you would be living there too with your mustang. And you hoped that you weren't wrong. Not only for the embarrassment factor, but because you found it close to impossible to fall asleep without him anymore.

"I could for you, Jude." He smiles as he kisses the top of your hand before opening the door. "Come on. Let's look around." You nod your head even though by the time you took in what he said, he was already half way around the car to open the door for you.

As he helps you out of the car, you redirect your nervousness from your jittery stomach to focusing on the house. Trying to imagine yourself living there with Tommy. It scared you how easily it molded itself into your ideal future. You could even see kids running in the back yard. Since when did you want kids? You're awful with kids. You're aunt wouldn't even let you babysit you're six year old cousin because she was afraid you'd forget to feed her. Apparently, she doesn't think you eat and you do eat, you clarify for yourself. You might forget to eat a meal of two when you're worried or busy, but it's not like you do it on purpose! You just get distracted until your stomach starts demanding attention.

"It's beautiful, Tom." You aren't exactly sure why you called him Tom, you don't use the term often, but as you looked around the house, it seemed more than appropriate. It was a huge deal. An adult step. Since when did Tommy take adult steps?

"Wait till you see the inside." He squeezes your hand as he leads you down the driveway until you reach the walkway to the porch. You smile at the fact that he didn't want to step on the grass, but as you look at it in its perfect state, you realize you'd be scared to step on it as well.

"Can we sit on the swing?" You ask hopefully as you make him stop right in his tracks before he reached the doorway. "Please." You extend your lower lip to pout, almost laughing as the phrase "two can play that game" flows through your mind.

"After. Promise." He shakes his head at you before pulling you inside the house. Your lingering thoughts of the swing are immediately pushed to the side once you get past the threshold. If you'd thought the outside was nice, the inside was stunning. The foyer's white walls were tall and decorated with several paintings that although you didn't recognize, it seemed as though you should. If you studied them long enough, you could probably physically feel the emotion pouring out of them. They were beautiful, and as your eyes left them to scan the rest of the walls, you realize that the ceiling was high and slightly dome shaped until you reached the the hallway that led to the rest of the house, including the two sets of stairs, one going up, and one going down. You absently thought that it'd be easier to get an elevator, but you didn't say that out loud, because you'd never liked the idea of an elevator being in a home. They seemed so impersonal, but as you glanced at the set of stairwells, you slowly understood the need for them. You'd lose twenty pounds just walking to the kitchen from the bedroom, although you didn't actually know where the bedroom was.

"How did you find this place?" You ask as you are led further down the hallway towards the kitchen. The white walls slowly change into a pastel blue color, and by the time you reach the kitchen, the walls are navy blue. You'd never been into interior design much, but you still think it was very well done. Gradual and yet effective. The kitchen is rather large, which you didn't find very important, because besides special occasions, Tommy never cooked, and you, honestly, weren't allowed to try. Not after the Ramen noodle fiasco when you first moved into his apartment. He nearly cried for you and your overcooked noodles. Not to mention the pot that he had to throw away because the burnt noodles wouldn't scrub off. He's never let you forget it.

"I've got connections." He responded slowly, letting his tongue accentuate each syllable dramatically. You nod because it wasn't one of the markets you'd expected him to have connections with. He was just a never ending surprise. "Come on. I want to show you the bedroom." You aren't sure why, but your cheeks blush involuntarily. Maybe it's because someone else still seemed to live in the house, and the thoughts that ran through your mind seemed to corrupt it's perfect image. You allow him to lead you back down the hallway to the stairwell that led to the upstairs. You grin as he takes the lead, still holding onto your hand from behind. You are still not sure why he brought you here, but as you make your way down the rather long extended upstairs hallway, you can't help but feel its the first of many. That terrifies you enough to speed up your pace to his side to get this over with. Damn him for making you think of such civilized.. such domestic thoughts. You and Tommy had never bent to a domestic level. What alternate universe had you woken up on?

He opens the door to the destination and allows you to enter first, and the first thing you notice are the maroon walls that make the white canopy stand out immensely against it and the dark mahogany headboard and poles. A shiver went down your spine as you realized that you had the same headboard at your apartment. Given, this one didn't have nicks and scratches on it like yours, which somehow brought you a sense of control. You aren't sure why. You notice that there are picture frames lining the wall, but you don't take time to study them, you were already invading the people's privacy enough as it was without knowing their physical features. Continuing past the pictures, your eyes landed on the source of light. The double window that was accompanied by a rather large bench that you noticed extended on both sides. Only difference was that there were pillows and padding on the inside, while the outside was just wood. The owners must be adventurous, you realize, as the window hangs over the backyard, which is a full three stories to the ground. You realize that shouldn't surprise you since their color schemes scream boldness. You never realized how much a house says about a person. You can't help but wonder what someone would say about your apartment. Workaholics, you would guess since there is hardly any food in the fridge except a half empty gallon of milk and several bottles of waters. If the person dared to scavenge more to the pantry they would probably only find a box of pop tarts, and possibly, just possibly a loaf of bread in the bread box. Possibly some peanut butter somewhere in the cabinets, but that would indicate they'd come on a good day. As a outsider looking in, you would probably feel sorry for you, but it works for you two, which is all that matters.

You are still staring out the window at the swing set in the far corner of the backyard, that if you analyze for a moment looks like it was abandoned months, if not years ago, giving the allusion that the kids had somehow outgrown it, leaving it to deteriorate like the leaves that joined it in the cold months before winter hit full force like now. The trees hovering it were tall, and you are positive that in the summertime, they provide a nice shade for the set with it's leaves in full bloom. Tommy wraps his arms around your waist from behind, and suddenly the empty feeling the barren trees had washed over you melted away, replaced by warm fuzzies that you would never admit to feeling. "What do you think?" He whispers softly into your ear as your eyes find themselves to the far ends of the yard where you can still see traces and specks of snow from the earlier drizzle of them.

"The snow is almost gone." You respond in an equally soft voice, and although you realize that wasn't what he was asking, it's all your mind can wrap itself around at the moment. What about the snow?

"More will fall." He soothes as he places a kiss to your temple, igniting a smile on your lips.

"I love it, Tommy." You admit as you turn around in his arms to face him. "I really do... but" You hate that you killed the hopeful expression in his eyes, but one of you had to be realistic for the both of you, and it was obvious it was your turn.

"But what?" He encourages you to continue, his annoyance at your uneasiness apparent.

"We can barely keep up the apartment to a decent standard. We could never keep this house up." You frown because it's true. You don't spend enough time at home for a place like this. You'd only use the one room you were standing in 97 percent of the time, possibly the dining room on special occasions.

"We could hire help, Jude." He smiled that knee melting smile that almost made you ignore the no on your tongue, but you couldn't quite do it.

"Why do you want this so bad, Tommy?" You ask the question that'd been plaguing you since you pulled into the neighborhood. Why.

"Why not?" He shrugs his shoulder indifferently, but you don't buy it. He doesn't make any decisions that are this big without thinking through it incessantly. Pros and cons. Ins and outs. The works. He thought of it all.

"Because it's not reasonable!" You retort quickly, running your hair through your long locks that were now an auburn color. You"d never been able to settle on the red or blonde, so you decided on something in between. You still think it was the right decision, most days.

"Don't you just.. want something more than a barren apartment with white walls and an empty fridge?" He asks softly, and all of your defenses immediately crumble as your arms wrap themselves around his neck, pulling him tighter against you.

"I'll be happy wherever you are, Quincy. Don't you know I'd follow you anywhere." You smile as you stretch onto your toes to kiss his lips for a moment before relaxing back into his embrace.

"I want this, Jude. I want us to get this house." He coaxes softly into your ear, and you almost wince as you feel yourself nod against his chest. What were you getting yourself into. This screamed bad idea, but you'd never been able to deny him anything, and you couldn't remember him ever wanting anything more.

"Guess it's moving time then, huh?" You pull away just enough to look in his eyes as they light up in accordance with his nod. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" He chuckled as he lifted you off your feet, swirling you around in several circles.

"You are so going to be the cleaning person." You mumble as you remember the last time you had tried to hire someone. The woman stole one of the pillows and tried to sell it on ebay. It was your favorite pillow too.

"Yeah yeah." He rolled his eyes at you, and as much as you wanted to fire back, you couldn't because he was so happy. How many people can say they domesticated Tom Quincy without even trying? Well, at all, really.

"Let's go swing." You squeal as you take off towards the hallway before heading down the stairs with Tommy right on your heels.

"Relax Jude, it's not a sex swing!" Your eyes narrow as you continue down the stairs, knowing that he only said it because there no was no way you could slow down enough to turn around and slap him.

"You are so paying for that, Quincy!" You declare once you finally make it to the front door.

"Wait. What!" He gapes at you as if you'd grown a third eyeball on your forehead.

"Not so funny now, are we?" You laugh, sighing as you finally sitting on the swing that proved to be just as relaxing as it looked.

**Please tell me what you think! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys! Sorry for the delay! **

You spend the rest of the afternoon on the swing, and you are surprised when no one comes home to find you there. You wonder if Tommy knew they weren't coming home, or if you were just lucky. Lucky had never been something to describe you, despite the fact that you won Instant Star when you were fifteen, and your boyfriend is the man of a millions girls' dreams. So you assume, he knew. You wouldn't even be **that** shocked if he'd already bought the place and didn't want to tell you. You didn't talk much sitting there as you rested your head on his shoulder. Maybe neither of you had more to say on the subject. Plus, you had things on your mind that you weren't ready to talk about, not yet anyway. Your phone disrupts the peaceful silence as you rummage through your bag to find it. You almost ignore it until you see that it's Sadie. She's not one to call you for no reason, so you sigh and click accept.

"Hey sis." You sound as enthusiastic as possible considering you're worried that her heart has been ripped from her chest.

"Hey. Where are you?" So much for pleasantries. You look at your surroundings to describe where you are, but you don't really know, and you aren't sure if you're ready to tell her that you are moving. You still aren't sure what to think about it all.

"Um." You glance towards Tommy, but he seems to be staring out into space, so he is no help to you. "I don't really know Sades. Why?" You don't really care to linger on the fact that you have no idea where you are, so you put more force into the why than the rest of the mumbling words you offered.

"You don't know? You can't be too far. You were in the studio this morning." She replied quickly, receiving a roll of your eyes for pointing out the obvious.

"I'm with Tommy, Sades. What's wrong?" You realize that your temper is a bit short fused for the conversation, but you don't want to be on the phone. You didn't want her to have a breakdown on the phone, because in the words of your lyrical genius of a boyfriend, it's hard to console on a phone.

"I was going to see if you wanted to have dinner tonight. Sisters night out thing." You frown because you were planning on asking her because of Kwest. How sad is it that you have to have a reason to hang out with your sister, who is practically your best friend! You bite your lip as you lower the phone to get Tommy's attention.

"Hey Tommy." You attempt a smile as he turns towards you, but you're sure it's as fake as it feels. "Did we have dinner plans tonight?"

"No, actually, Kwest wants me to go hang out with him. Apparently he has something to tell me." You nod quickly, not wanting to give any sort of hint that you know what he's got to say. People tend to kill the messenger, after all.

"I'm going out with Sadie." You offer before lifting the phone back up to your ear. "Hey Sades. Girls night out is good." You don't pay attention to the rest of the conversation too much, but you did catch that she was going to be at your apartment at nine, which was in two  
hours. Once the call is over, you snuggle back into his arms, not wanting to end the perfect moment until absolutely necessary.

"We should probably go, girl. I have to meet Kwest in an hour." Although you managed to agree with a sigh, neither of you made a move to get up.

"So, we're really doing this?" You gesture your hand out to the yard, still not quite believing that he is serious.

"I really want to." He tightened his grasp on your waist as he leaned his lips into your ear, sending a shiver down your spine.

You force a smile as he stands up, keeping his hand close enough for you to grab onto. "Maybe we should sleep on it, Tommy." You suggest softly, wondering if he'd still feel the same tomorrow. A lot was going to change, you could feel it, and you weren't willing to get your hopes up before everything was out in the open.

"Alright. We'll sleep on it, but I don't see myself changing my mind." He complied, and you began to wonder all over again if there was more to this story than he was telling. Yes, it was a nice house, but there were a lot of nice houses, what was so special about this one?

"Okay." You smile, not knowing what else to say. You had to get home and get ready. There was no telling what all Sadie had planned, but you'd learned to always expect for her to be flawless.

The drive back to your apartment was rather silent for you two, and you couldn't shake the feeling that everything was about to change. Once you pull into the parking garage, you realize it's a good thing that Sadie was picking you up because your car was at the Studio. Maybe you would get her to take you by there tonight. You barely notice when the car comes a complete stop and the ignition is killed. You do notice however that Tommy hasn't tried to get out either. Something has been off with him all afternoon. Maybe it was because of the pregnancy talk. You'd almost forgotten. Well, not forgotten, you would never forget, but you'd just accepted it. You'd expected it, after all.

"Jude.. I.." Your heart seems to stop beating as you feel his clammy hand grab onto yours. Hadn't he given you enough surprises for one day? You began saying something to that effect, but he cuts you off with a kiss before you can form the words, and just as quickly as you' thought of them, you'd forgotten them as you allowed yourself to melt into his kiss.

Once he pulls away, leaving you breathless, you can still tell there's something he wants to say, so you sit in silence and allow him time to organize his thoughts. After a kiss like that, you would need a minute too.

"I'm sorry I sprung that house on you like that. I know I probably overwhelmed you. I know that I'm usually the one that bails when these sorts of things come up, so I get your hesitation. I do. But I just, I want you to know that whether we're here, or there, or in, I don't know, London, I'm not going anywhere " Your heart flutters as every insecurity you've ever had gets washed away. That was the second time he'd done that to you today, and you found yourself, yet again, speechless. But alas, words don't completely fail you.

"You that worried that you aren't getting any tonight, Quincy? Because I gotta say, if celibacy gives me this, I might have some rethinking to do." You laugh as his face turns a pale white, and you wonder how he survived dating before the sex. The man's beast was insatiable. Oh, but how you loved feeding it.

"Ce.. Celibacy?" He blinks twice very slowly, as if he'd never heard even heard the term. Poor guy. If he was any older, you might would have given him a heart attack. Then again. He was getting on up there close to thirty. Ha. You were going to have so much fun with that. You decided you should start planning the jokes now, that way you can be prepared. Funny had never really been your strong suit. Drama, on the other hand, you breathe drama in like air.

"Yeah. Quincy. Celibacy. Like nuns. No sex." You laugh because you can't help yourself. He couldn't even pretend to not be phased. It was rather amusing.

"Funny Harrison." Tommy gave less than a half hearted laugh as he glanced out the window.

"So I'll see you later then." You lean over quickly and kiss his cheek.

"Have fun tonight, girl." He smiles warmly at you, and you nod your head. You don't have the heart to even pretend he's going to have fun.

"Bye. I love you." You make your way out of the car and quickly into the building. Maybe Sadie will be late, you hope as you get into the elevator.

You've just stepped into the apartment when your phone goes off again, indicating a text message. You smile as you see Tommy's face above the message. "So does celibacy involve kissing too?" You roll your eyes at the comment but there's a knock on your door before you can respond. Surely Sadie isn't there already! You hope not as you peek into the hole. Tommy?

You let out a small laugh as you open the door, wondering why he hadn't just used his key. "Miss me already Qui..." You are cut off as he cups your face with his hands and kisses you right into the wall. It's a short kiss, but it was still heated enough to make you flush.

"That's a goodbye kiss, Harrison." He grins as his hands linger on your skin, making it very hard for your breathing to return to normal when you all want to do is jump him right there, with the door still open for everyone to see.

"That's all you got?" You hear the sultry tone in your voice, and are surprised to say the least, but it doesn't stop you from running your  
tongue across your lips, enticing him to do it again.

A groan escapes his lips as he glances at his watch. "I'm going to be so late girl.." He mutters as he quickly leans back into you, gripping onto your waist to keep you steady as he kisses you senseless. Somewhere during the kiss, you hear the door shut, but it doesn't really register until he lifts you off the ground, your legs immediately wrap around his waist as tight as you can make them.

Before you even take a breath from the kiss, your head is hitting a pillow and you realize that your on the bed. You know you should sto it. Kwest is waiting on him, and Sadie will be there to pick you up eventually, but considering you already stopped it once at the studio, you don't have the heart to tell him no.

He is sliding out of his jeans when his cellphone starts ringing, which is on the bedside table, and you have no recollection of how or when it got there. You glance slowly up at him with pouty eyes, almost begging him to ignore it, he probably didn't even want to talk the person at all, much less now. He sighs as he rolls to the side of you and grabs the phone. "Damn it Kwest." You hear him mutter, although both of you knew it would be him. Kwest was a punctual guy, and he didn't like his time being wasted by anyone. Not even Tommy. Possibly especially Tommy, who knew better than anyone about his need to be on time. "I'm on my way." He mutters into the phone before ending the call, not letting Kwest have a word in edge wise. "That is twice, Harrison. Not once, but twice!" You can't help but offer a sheepish grin as you bite onto your lip, knowing that there was nothing you could say.

"I guess we'll just have to make up for it tonight. Right?" He nuzzles himself into your neck, flowering it with soft kisses, making it hard for you to think coherent thoughts. Damn him.

"Uh huh." You agree, clutching your eyes shut and trying to think of thoughts that don't involve Tommy and sex.

It isn't until you feel the loss of his weight from the bed when you open your eyes. You watch him appreciatively as he fumbles around the room looking for a shirt to wear. You don't even bother to point out that he has an entire closet full of clean clothes, because that would  
mean he'd leave your sight. You weren't ready to help him do that. Not yet. Not when you were still missing his weight hovering over you, his warm flesh flush against yours.

"You should shower, Jude." He mutters, and you can tell he wants nothing more than to join you. You almost invite him, but you know that he is trying to be a good friend so you bite your tongue until the urge passes.

"I should." You agree as you grudgingly plant your feet on the hardwood floor. Why did you want those again? Tommy had fought for the carpet to stay, but you'd insisted. Obviously, you were an idiot. Hardwood floors like to give cold reminders. Before you know it, he is in front of you, leaning down to place a kiss on your forehead and pulling away.

"You know that kind of kiss is what got us in here." You smirk as he stops in his tracks towards the door and turns back towards you.

"Dirty dirty game you're playing, girl!" He shakes his head before slowly walking back towards you, this time kneeling down so that you  
were face to face. After staring intensely into your eyes for a moment, using his index finger to guide your chin, he plants a kiss on your  
lips. Of all the kisses you've ever shared, you think it might have been the sweetest one, and you fall in love with him all over again. It  
wasn't fair that he could do that to you.

"Bye Tommy." You pull away as much as you can force yourself too, even though you could still feel his breath on your lips.

"See you later." He leans forward connecting your forehead with his for just a moment before standing back up and heading for the door. "Tell Sadie I said Ben and Jerry will be waiting for her if you're home by 1."

You don't grant him a response to that remark. You could say lots of things, but that would just lead to another round of bantering at the  
very least, and you really needed to shower, especially now that you were so sweaty and heated.

Once you hear the door shut behind him, you slowly trudge to the bathroom and turn on the water hott enough that the windows will be foggy before you ever step inside. You don't remember when you started doing that, but it was definitely after you moved in with Tommy. Maybe you need the reminder that it is all real. You don't remember why, but now it's not the same if you don't. As you wait for the room to heat up, you glance around the small area. You think you are looking for some sign that everything has changed, but the place looks exactly the same.

Hating that fact, you rebelliously switch what hole your toothbrush is in with Tommy's. You know it's pointless, but you just need something to be different, even if it's miniscule. Deciding to continue your insignificant rebellion, you squat down to look in the cabinet beneath the sink. And then you find it. What you were probably looking for all along, even though you wouldn't admit it.

The plastic bag. It was a baby blue color, matching the color scheme of the grocery store you'd bought it at. You'd bought it months ago, mostly for your own piece of mind. But each time you used it, you always went back to the same exact store and bought the same exact thing. Except the last time. The last time you bought two of them, because something felt off, and you wanted to be sure next time. You wonder if Tommy had ever noticed the bag, or what the contents of it were. You doubted it. He'd never been one to pry into your things. He trusted you. You almost wish he didn't. You would want to know his thoughts. Then again, Tommy was all about being certain, so he'd probably be proud that you were staying on top of testing. It'd been two months since the last time you went. You were two weeks late, and conveniently had a stomach bug to coincide with it. You didn't tell anyone. You didn't even use the one you bought, you just went straight to the doctor. You were too scared and nervous to pee on a stick.

It was the scariest half hour of your life sitting in that exam room. And you were alone. You hate being alone. Negative. The doctor assured you that you were in fact, not pregnant, and although you still aren't sure if they were out of happiness or sadness, you spent a good 15 extra minutes in that room crying. You got your period that night at the studio, and once again, you found yourself in a mess of tears. But that time, you had Tommy, and so the tears subsided quickly. You never even told him about that. He never asked again. He probably chalked it up to hormones. Which, you suppose, was more right than he knew.

You were late again. It was only a week this time, so you weren't panicking majorly yet, just enough to scout out the test. For personal  
reassurance. He'd noticed this time. He'd asked you if you were late, and your stomach nearly revolted all contents as you looked up at him.

You hadn't even noticed until then, and so you shrugged your shoulders because you didn't really know what else to do. That was three days ago. You had been feeling awfully queasy though, and you weren't sure what the chances were of another stomach bug so soon. You didn't even know which one you wanted. Not anymore. Not after the house and the swing and the three car garage. Everything had shifted, and yet you're bathroom was exactly the same. It didn't seem right. It wasn't right at all. You hadn't actually gotten sick yet though, so you refused to freak out. Not yet. It was too soon for that.

Maybe you would ask Sadie if she was late a lot. You would think you'd know something like that since you lived with her, but you didn't. It makes you sad that you didn't take advantage of the time you two had together, but you had her now, and that's what you tried to focus on. You doubt Sadie had ever had any false alarms. She was entirely too careful for something like that to happen to her. Too perfect. And just as quickly as you'd talked yourself into it being a false alarm, you'd talked yourself out of it, because you weren't Sadie, and things are never going as they are suppose to in your life.

By the time you stand back up, the room was so foggy, you could barely make out which way the mirror was. If not for your hand on the counter, you would have probably tried to step forwards. It took you a moment, but you find the shower and set the water to a more soothing temperature, not scolding. You'd scolded yourself enough for a day.

**Thoughts? **


	6. Chapter 6

You'd barely thrown on clothes when your hear a knock on your door. Setting down the black eyeliner back onto your dresser, you make your way towards the door and glance through the hole, half expecting a drunken stumbling Tommy searching for his key.

You were only half right. There was definitely someone drunk and stumbling, but it wasn't Tommy. It was Sadie. Oh no, you frown as you open the door. You barely keep your balance as she throws herself at you, demanding a sister hug that would cure the world, and you can't help but wonder if you have any Ben & Jerrys. You doubt it though. Sweets don't last long between you and Tommy.

"Whoa there, Sades. What's with the ambush of Jack Daniels' tavern?" You wince as you smell the whiskey on her breath. You didn't even know she drank whiskey. She'd always been the Cosmopolitan type, or a Daquirri with the pretty umbrella. On top of the whip cream.

"He's getting married, Jude! He's getting married, and it's not to me!" You frown because you hate that Portia put you into this situation,  
although it wasn't on purpose. Now you have to act surprised, and it wouldn't even be the only time tonight. Damn it.

"Whoa. Ok Sadie. Come on in. I will... I will get you some.. Coffee." You aren't even sure you have any coffee, but it was the only thing you could think of to get her away from the open doorway. Once the door is shut, you help her into the kitchen and sit her into a chair.

"I can't believe he's getting married! To Portia, Jude! You better watch out, he might come after you next. He obviously likes Tommy's  
leftovers." She lays her head down on the table, and you are glad that you are sober to know enough that now was not the time to tell her Tommy wanted to get a house with you, and you may or may not be carrying his baby. No, that convo would def have to wait, and take place with a sober Sadie who can keep her emotions in check. Well, as in check as Sadie's emotions get.

"Portia?" You ask, realizing that you aren't suppose to know who she's talking about. "Portia's getting married?" You can't help but wonder if this will blow up in your face, but you don't really see another option. Sober Sadie was enough to deal with sans alcohol. Adding whiskey to the mix was lethal. You might as well be making your death wish.

"Yes, Jude! Have you not been listening to anything I've said? Portia is marrying Kwest! My Kwest! I love him!" Tears well in her eyes at the last confession, and you can't help but to feel sorry for her. You have a feeling that's a new realization. You'd figured she'd still have feelings.. But love? She never even said she loved Tommy, did she? Well, minus the times she said it before she met him when he was just a poster on her wall. This was beyond bad!

"Didn't you break up with him?" You clear your throat, because you actually have no idea. You are such a bad sister. Where the hell were you? On tour? You hope because that's pretty much your only excuse of a life outside Tommy.

"Yes, but it wasn't suppose to be forever! I expected him to buy me a rose and we'd make up! He wasn't suppose to go off and get engaged to Quincy's ex wife!" She nearly growls as she yanks her gloves off her hands and throws them across the table, landing effortlessly in the other chair. Oddly enough, it's the chair that Kwest always sits in when he comes over, but you don't mention that. The next one might be directed at you. You are thankful that you are getting better at biting your tongue as you get older, because a few years ago, she would have shredded you to pieces by now.

It's times like these you wish you were an actress, and not a singer. You should be acting surprised, but all you can do is feel pity for Sadie. You don't think there's anything you can say to her to make her feel better. Portia really loved Kwest. Was Kwest Tommy's best man in their wedding? That'd be awkward. It's very Mark Sloan of Kwest, although Mark never got around to proposing to Addison, and Kwest wasn't a manwhore. If anything, Tommy was the manwhore. You inwardly groan at the comparison. You would think you'd be too busy to think about some show on tv, but you can't help it. Tivo is an amazing invention. Totally comes in handy when you have a late nighter in the studio. You push the thoughts away as you focus your attention back onto your sister, who is sobbing into her hands. Why were boys so stupid? You suppose you could call them men, but you'd rather not. You don't feel old enough to be dating men, even if you are twenty years old. Less than a month shy of twenty one actually.

"I'm sorry, Sades." You frown as you rub her back gently. You probably wouldn't want to be touched if you were her, but you didn't know what to do, so you hope it will comfort her a little. "How did you find out?" You can't stop the question. You thought of going with the gossip route if it wasn't the groom or the bride to be, but she quickly demolishes that.

"He stopped by my apartment. He said he didn't want me to find out from someone else. He said that he was SORRY! His apologies mean nothing to me!" You can't decide whether your proud or angry at Kwest for that. You know he had good intentions, but apologizing? Had he learned NOTHING from being Tommy's wing man? Honestly!

"He said that he hopes I find someone who can make me happy. Someone that would love me the way he loved Portia. The way.. The way Tommy loves you." You hate yourself a little bit more for every second that passes that you can't think of anything to say to make her feel better.

Had he really said about Tommy and you? Did Tommy love you like that? Did Tommy want to get married again? You'd never actually talked about it, but you'd always assumed he'd never get married again. Did you want to marry Tommy?

"He shouldn't have said that to you, Sadie." You finally speak, and although you aren't sure where you are taking it, you know that it needed to be said. "But he's right. In general. You are amazing, and stunning and you are going to meet someone that will be everything that you could ever need." You make sure not to add any comparisons. You didn't like being in the other one, and so you aren't going to put anyone else on that pedastool either. Not that you know anyone that is happily married. But you assure yourself that they exist. They have to.

They are what love stories are made of.

"I thought he was that guy, Jude. I always knew I was in second place with Tommy. I knew it going in. But with Kwest, I always felt like a queen. He made me feel special. Why wasn't I enough?" For the first time since she entered, you realize that her hair is wet and wavy and thrown up into a messy high ponytail, and she has no make up on. It's rare that Sadie is so unkempt. But then again, it's rare that Sadie has a breakdown.

"Hey. Hey. None of that. Being enough isn't the problem, sis. Sometimes, you can love someone, and they can be completely perfect for you, but they just aren't.. Right. Ya know?" You hope that she understands, after all, she had always been the smart one in the family. But love was never logical, so you didn't have much hope. This would definitely take time. Lots of time. Possibly therapy. It seems that shrinks are all the rage these days. Not that you've ever been to one. Well on your own free will. The judge did request you see someone after your drunken night with Patsy that ended in a jail cell. You miss Patsy. She would never allow you to wallow like this. She would drag you to the bar, and help you drink your sorrows away. Of course, hers would be gone much faster than yours. And she'd forget why you were there after awhile, but at least then, you wouldn't be wallowing.

"Like Jamie?" The question surprises you, and although you weren't sure if you could compare Kwest to Jamie, she had a point. Logically, you and Jamie could be perfect, you just weren't... because you loved Tommy.

"Yeah. I guess. But I don't know. I can't speak for Kwest. I don't understand guys. I don't even understand girls. I'm lucky not to argue  
with myself... on most days." You watch as a small smile graces her face, and for once, you feel like you've said something right.

"They aren't going to last, right Jude? There will be annulment after like a month, right?" she pouts, and once again you have no idea if false hope is better than no hope at all. Wasn't Sadie the one always going on about doors being left opened? About that being bad? She needed to close this door, and lock the windows.

"I think that only time will tell. They might not even get married." You doubt that, in fact, you actually think they are going to last, but you  
would never say that. Not now anyway. Not to Sadie.

"What if they do and they are really happy? Is it wrong that I don't want them to be? Is it wrong that I hope she is really dirty, and he  
can't stand being around her?"

"You know what, I think that's perfectly normal." You laugh as you lean your forehead against hers. "It'll get better, Sadie. I just know it."

"I need another shot of something. Something very strong." She doesn't even allow you to refuse as she jumps up from the chair, and pulls you with her to your bedroom. "We are going out tonight, and we are going to look muy caliente!"

"Are you um.. Sure about that?" You ask, watching helplessly as she fumbles through your closet. It's almost sad to you how plain your  
wardrobe is, you can't imagine how upset she is.

"What the hell is this, Jude? Did you let Tommy's grandma buy these clothes for you? You know, the nun!" you try to act offended, but it's no use, she is determined now, and there's no stopping her. You like your clothes to be comfortable. It's not illegal! It's not like Tommy minds when you wear sweats that practically fall off with a touch of his smooth hand. Nope, you've gotten no complaints.

"Hey. I have nice clothes!" You mutter, half heartedly. It's not your fault that Portia doesn't let you wear your own clothes half the time  
anyway! Why do you need clothes you'll never wear? Exactly. You don't.

"Put this on. It'll do. Besides, it's not like I'm wearing my Saturday night's best." She frowns as she looks down at her outfit. Even in the  
midst of her breakdown, she still looks cute. A pair of jeans, and a black sweater that isn't the least bit loose.

"You look fine. Besides, it's not like we're picking up guys." You attempt to throw that in more subtly, but it didn't exactly go as  
planned as she glares at you.

"Well forgive me, Jude. Not everyone can have a perfect boyfriend." She immediately pales and shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.. I just.."

"It's fine. You're hurt. You get a free pass." You smile as you look at the clothes she picked out. You actually think it is Tommy's sweater, but who are you to argue with the style queen?

"I really am happy for you two, Jude. In case, I forget to tell you that in the next few months, I am."

"I know. Which is why I'm going to tell you where my brand new eyeliner is stashed so we can go forget about guys with more ... drinks.." You cut off the end of the sentence that had 'of sorts' on it as you remember your potential scare. You don't want to drink until you know for sure that you aren't pregnant. Which you aren't. You can't be. Sadie might never forgive you at this point.

"You are so my super favorite sister!" she squeals as she runs into the bathroom, not even waiting for you to tell her where it is. You figure she'd find it before you could. She has a sixth sense about those things. You sigh as you sit back on the bed, longing to be back in  
Tommy's arms, safe and sound. After taking a moment to gather your wits, you stand up and change into your designated outfit. Once your satisfied, you walk back over to your dresser, and pick back up the eyeliner that'd been abandoned when Sadie showed up. Silence has enveloped the apartment again, you couldn't even hear Sadie getting ready in the bathroom. She was getting ready wasn't she? You give her the amount of time it takes to finish your make up before you make your way to the bathroom.

"Sadie? You about ready?" You ask, unsure of what you'd find if you just opened the door. You hope she hadn't fallen apart again, not that you can blame her. You wish you knew where Tommy and Kwest were at so you'd know not to go there, but you know even if you tried to text him and ask, he probably wouldn't hear it over the music.

"One minute." You strain to hear any sniffles or hidden sob, but you can't find any, so you walk into the living room and plummet onto the couch. Oh, how comfty those leather seats were. You love that couch. You're tender thoughts of the couch were interrupted by the clicking of heels on the floor. Had she been wearing heels before? You don't remember that sound from before. "How do I look?" You turn to where she's standing. And you can't help but laugh. She was in the middle of a breakdown, and she still managed to look PERFECT. How was that possible!

"You look great." You nod honestly. She did. Her hair was straight and down, which you found odd since it was wet and curly before, and her makeup brought out the gray specks in her eyes. You eye her shoes and realize that they are yours, but you don't really care because Portia gave them to you one day to wear, but you couldn't manage to keep your balance in them. Of course, Sadie can.

Because she's flipping Sadie Harrison. Why is it that that's such a huge difference to it than Jude Harrison.

"Really? Not too much?" You don't remember Sadie ever being the one to doubt her appearance, and usually you'd give anything to see this, but you could take no joy in this occasion. None at all.

"Perfect." You smile as you grab your purse and cell from the table. "Ready to go?"

"Ready." She nods at you, interlinking your arms as you make your way towards the door.

**Hey! Sorry for the delay. Life is hectic. Hope you guys liked it though. Didn't have time to proofread!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey everyone! I know I've been saying this entire story that it would branch out past Jude's POV. It's finally here! I hope I do them justice! Let me know! **

Tommy's POV

You hated to walk out that door. You hated knowing that she was still lying in that bed, your bed, and you were leaving. To a bar no less. What the hell was wrong with you? Honestly! Have you no sense at all. You nearly growl as your tighten your grip on the steering wheel. You already started the engine, but you just couldn't bring yourself to pull out. Pull out, Tommy, you command yourself, but yet you are still sitting there. It would be so easy to fake a cough on the phone and rush back upstairs. But she was probably getting ready by now. Why did Sadie need her? You needed her. You needed her in a completely different way than Sadie did, it was more of an intense need. Didn't that count for something? Well, you grin, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if Sadie needed her like you did. What! No! You did not just think that about your girlfriend and her SISTER! Even if she is your ex girlfriend, and you happen to know exactly what she likes as well. Damn it, you are one twisted one person, you realize as you finally allow yourself to leave the parking spot, and make your way to Mia's.

It was one of the few bars in the town that was respectable, yet not mobbed by the media and pappanazis. Do those damn people ever sleep? You were a regular there at one point. It was before Jude was legal though, and you needed a... you needed comfort. And comfort you found. Numerous times, really. You'd almost always start the night off with Kwest just drinking a beer to calm down after a hectic day in the studio. Or heated, maybe. Working with Jude always was heated. How you wished it was as dirty as it sounded in your mind. If only you'd known it'd be so amazing. That's not true, exactly. You knew it would be amazing. You've always been told the best things in life are worth waiting for, but damn you and your self control, if you can call it that. Or maybe it was your innate ability to royally screw up every time she pushed you to the brink. Nothing you'd ever done in your years in Boyz Attack were as stupid as when you left for Montana. How could you tell her you might not be coming back? Of course you were coming back! As if you could have stayed away!

Damn, were those some miserable months. You choose to ignore those months. You ignore most periods of time you spent away from Jude. You would like to ignore the times you were with Sadie, but you can't quite do that. You cared about Sadie, and she took care of you for awhile. You realize, in hindsight, Sadie probably wasn't your smartest choice, but she is Sadie freaking Harrison. Damn it, you couldn't deny that to yourself. Jude was still SIXTEEN! God, that makes you feel dirty. You'd fallen in love with a fifteen year old! But she was just so much more than a kid. She is your soulmate. And she pushed you! You tried to deny her! You tried with every fiber in your being to ignore what was staring you right in the eye, but she wouldn't let you do that. No, Jude was never one to be ignored. She refused. After all, she's a rockstar.

By the time your thoughts reach the present time, you are at the bar parking lot, and your worry that you ran a few red lights. Well, nopolice lights. Always a good sign. You can spot those cars a mile away, you've been in too many not to. Pulling your phone out of your jacket to make sure you hadn't missed any calls in your daze, you realize once again that you'd left her there, and it made you ache all the more.

Kwest damn well better need a kidney transplant for making you coming out tonight. Although, you doubt he'd take you to a bar for that conversation. More like... well you don't know where that kind on conversation would take place, seeing as how you'd never partaken in one. But you would imagine it would be a silent place. Secluded even. Ew. What the hell. You never want to be in a secluded place with Kwest! You love the guy, but seriously!

You jab the phone back into the inside of your jacket before stepping out of the car and the freezing night air. Damn the sun for taking it's needed warmth with it. Didn't it know that you hated the cold? Because you did. Only time was cold acceptable was when you were at your log cabin with Jude, and you were snuggled by the fire, like last Christmas. The memory brings a smile to your face, igniting a warmth that spread through the hairs on your skin like fire. Damn it, have you no testosterone left at all, man? You sound like a chic. You were not a chic! You had witnesses! Possibly too many. If you were one to believe that was possible, but you weren't, so you shrugged the thought away immediately. All that matters is that you have Jude now. And you were going to buy a house together. At least you think you were. Her uneasiness surprised and worried you. You'd thought she'd be ecstatic. Did she not like the house? It had to be that house. It was truly the only option. Or was it not the house at all? Was it you? Did she not love you anymore? No, that definitely wasn't it. The fire in her eyes were definitely still there when she looked at you. You know because you live for that fire. You wince at the thought. Not that you don't love her, you do, but it was just a little dramatic, even for you, who wrote Pick Up The Pieces. If that's not saying something, then what the hell is.

You don't even bother to stand in the long line to get into the club, you walk straight to the entrance. Jimmy, the bouncer, worked on one of your tours, and you made sure that there was always someone to comfort him too. You pat his shoulder sternly as he opens the rope for you to enter, giving you a thankful nod. You still can't believe he married one of your groupies. Last time you really talked to him, they had three kids. He even named the first son, Thomas. Talk about being thankful. You'd nearly choked on your vodka tonic when he mentioned that, but you hid it well. He didn't seem to notice. Maybe he was too busy admiring the picture of the so called Thomas. You just hope he gets past the seventh grade. Not that you are really complaining, you know everything you need to know about music and producing, but sometimes you wish you would have went back. Being a 7th grade drop out isn't something many would admit to. In fact, you aren't sure that anyone really knows besides Kwest and Chaz. You might have told Sadie that one night, but you can't be sure that wasn't a dream. You think it was real though, because there was no sex involved in that dream, and your Sadie dreams back then always involved sex. It would be like having a toothbrush without the tooth paste. Useless and boring.

"Thomas Quincy! You get your ass over here RIGHT now, stranger!" You scan the bar to see Mia, the owner and you immediately smile as you make your way to her, and immediately swing her around in a circle. She is probably one of the few women you knew that you hadn't slept with. It might have something to do with the fact that she has seen you at your absolute worst, and still talked to you the next day. She's sort of like your sister, you guess. Except you don't admit that out loud, because Kwest would be fast to remind you of the time that you had tried to sleep with her. You thought you were so close. That is until her girlfriend, yes girlfriend, walked up and stole her right from your fingertips. You were willing to share her, but the woman, you forget her name, didn't seem too amused with the idea, so you let it go. You hadn't gotten that shit faced since.

"Hey Mia." You smile as you place her back onto her feet. You forgot how short she was. She couldn't be an inch over 4'10, and when you are plastered, you really love to call her Shorty, and watch the steam poof out of her ears. Oh yes, you enjoyed it immensely. Sigh, it'd really been entirely too long since you've been here. You should bring Jude, Mia has been wanting to meet her for, well, much longer than what your great government would consider appropriate. Oh yes, Mia was the first person you ever told about Jude. Even before Kwest, but you think he might have known before you ever admitted it yourself. Well, maybe not, you'd told Mia about Jude the first night at the Vinyl Palace after she kissed you, rocked the house like a star, quit, and forgave you. Oh yes, you had a word full of things to say about Jude that night. But you really didn't want her then. You just admired her balls. She was 15, and you were her producer, and for all points necessary, the girl hated who everyone thought you were. What got you was how quickly she saw you, the real you, and she loved you for it. The girl really loved you, and you had done nothing remotely to deserve it. If anything, she should have chosen Jamie time and time again. Of course, she did at one point, and although you had picked Sadie, who was legal, it nearly killed you to watch her step off that bus and kiss him like she hadn't even THOUGHT of kissing you at all, when it was all you could think about the entire summer, the summer you spent with Sadie in Europe. Yes, you were a sick individual. You have accepted that.

"I have MISSED you, baby boy! How ya' been? The little lady keeping ya satisfied?" You force a laugh, wishing she was satisfying you right now, instead of you being here talking about your sex life with a lesbian! Not that there was anything wrong with that, but you made a point not to talk to women about your sex life, especially ones that knew your sexual.. Appetite.

"Ditto. Great. And please never ask that again, Mia!" You nearly beg as you look around for Kwest. "Where's Kwest?" You ask before she comes up with a response.

"No time to catch up with your favorite bartender? I see how it is, Quincy. I'm going to remember that!" She laughs as she kisses your cheek. "He's in the back. Something about needing to wash his face." It is obvious that she is as confused by the remark as you, so you let itgo as you walk away from the bar, making your way to the back. It was technically only for employees, but you figured you payed this place's rent for months on end. You were practically it's best investor. You find Kwest sitting in the middle of the deserted room on the old beaten couch staring at the tv, that wasn't even on. You weren't even sure it had cable. You are pretty sure it was just to take up space. Mia doesn't usually have help except on the weekends, so no one is ever in here. Which as you look at Kwest's appearance, which almost seemed frightened, you think that might be for the best. Was it really that bad?

"Hey man. Sorry I'm late." The guilt finally washes over you as you lean back into the couch. You are an awful friend, and you don't deserve someone like Kwest. You don't deserve a lot of things in your life though, so you have accepted that, for the most part.

"I... I have something I need.. I have to tell you, Tom." He doesn't even look at you. Kwest is huge on eye contact. It's mostly a respect thing, you think, but either way, your stomach squirms as your watch him search for words that he was apparently expecting to get from the tv. Did you mention that it was off? It was.

"We've been friends for a long time, T. And I know we don't really talk a whole lot, I just want you to know that you.. You are my best friend You'll always be my left hand man." You want to laugh at that, but you don't because in a lot of ways, he is right. He's usually the "right hand" man. He was on your right when you were standing in the alter, he's even on your right in the studio. So you swallow the laugh and let him continue. Intros like that tend not to lead to good things. They don't lead to good things at all. You almost want to tell him about the house, just to avoid the inevitable, but alas you don't because you don't think he'll get up the courage to do it again.

"I know, man." You nod as the silence overtakes the room, stealing all of it's oxygen too, making it stuffy and hard to breathe.

"Which is why I have to tell you this. Because it will get out soon, and you deserve to hear it from me."

"Kwest. Come on. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad. I'm sure we've faced worse." You don't allow yourself to follow the train of though that takes you back to all the stupid things you've done together, because you need to be paying attention. This was big. Kwest didn't like to beat around the bush, or talk in circles. He was always straight forward, and it was something that you admired him for. This was just so un-Kwest like that it scared you.

"I'm engaged!" He blurted out quickly and you couldn't help but to gawk openly at him. You didn't even know he had a girlfriend! Best friend, your ass!

"What!" You manage to get out, stronger than you felt. How had you missed that? Had there been signs? Sure, you hadn't went out much lately, but you see him everyday!

"I didn't want jinx it, or upset you, so I never told you. But then I proposed last night. And she said yes." A soft smile crosses his face, and you almost tell him to grow a pair. Guys don't get those looks when they are with other guys. Save that to woo the girl, man. Upset you? Why would him dating someone upset you?

"Sadie?" You ask because she's the only girl you've seen him talk to, well and Portia, but surely he isn't engaged to Portia. That's just.. No. He wouldn't do that. You had loved Portia. You had created a child with Portia. Portia who also killed the baby, probably before it ever had a heartbeat. Or you hope.

He winces, but shakes his head, no. He runs his fingers across his cheek, and for the first time you notice a hand print. You almost laugh. "Sadie mark? I've had those. Not gonna be pretty in the morning, man. Those nails are killer."

He nods his head, still not looking at you. "Yeah. I told Sadie today. Tom, I'm... I'm marrying Portia."

You aren't sure how long it takes you to process that, but suddenly you can't breath, and the room is getting much too small for you to be in. It's crushing your lungs, so all you can do is run. Running is what you do best after all. You can hear his footsteps running after you, but you don't stop until your outside, and suddenly the air that you'd been cursing before, you embraced fully. Cold air seemed so much easier to take in masses. You needed all the air you could get. He had said it. He'd said he was marrying Portia, your ex wife! Going after Sadie was one thing, she was just your comfort, but Portia. You married her! Isn't there some sort of rule against that? There has to be! A code! It was definitely against some codes. Codes that you'd never followed. Because you're sure marrying your manager's sister was against several codes too. Not to mention the laws you broke every time you succumbed into your weakness for Jude every time before she was 18. But this was different. This was flat out Betrayal! Your best friend had betrayed you, and you didn't even want to look at him! How .. How could he do that to you!

"Tom.." He was slightly out of breath, and you wanted to laugh. If you looked at him, you wouldn't know he was so out of shape. It wasn't that long of a sprint. You wanted to say that. You wanted to say how angry you were, how betrayed you felt. But you simply didn't have the energy for that. You didn't want to have this conversation. Not now. Not ever. And you sure as hell wouldn't be at the wedding. Not for all the cars in the world.

"I'm sorry, T. I.. we didn't mean for it to happen. It just did. I thought YOU of all people would understand that you can't choose who you love. You just do!" How dare he throw that into your face! Jude wasn't anyone's ex wife! Jude wasn't anyone's anything. Except yours. She was your girl, your artist, and your soulmate. Wow, you throw that out loosely, you realized, it just keeps coming back like.. Like it's a fact. Which it is. Just as much as the sun will rise again and erase this terrible feeling in your stomach.

"Do not go there, Kwest. Just don't." You seethe in anger. You can feel your nose flair, but you can't help it. "How long?" You need to know. You don't want to know. You know it's going to piss you off more, but you can't help it. No wonder he brought you to a bar, you were going to need a lot of alcohol. You had no idea how you'd get home, but you would worry with that later. Right now, the bar was calling your name, and it would be wrong for you to ignore it.

"6 months." He darts his eyes to the ground, and in that instant, you swear you feel the ground shake beneath you. But it was just you because he doesn't seem to budge. Six months! That is half of a year! Had he even broken up with Sadie that long? You couldn't really remember. You would ask Sadie. She would know. Ooh. That would explain the slap. Ouch. Not a smart move, Kwest. You almost laugh. Everyone thought you cheated on Sadie, but you didn't. Even Jude. That hurt more than anything else. You needed Jude to believe in you, you needed her to tell you to keep going, like she'd told the little girl that wanted to be a songwriter. Yes, and she did. Eventually. She had to. You knew if you cheated on Sadie, she'd never forgive you. You'd known it all along. They might have had that sister rivalry thing going on, but Jude always has Sadie's back. It goes both ways, really. It's just harder to see considering Sadie did go after you. How does your every thought go back to Jude? You don't know as you focus back onto the topic at hand. Kwest and Portia. Portia and Kwest. How does that happen!

"I need a drink." You push him out of your way as you go back inside. Anything else he had to say would have to wait until you had at least three shots of something very very strong in your system.


	8. Chapter 8

Tommy's POV

You racked your brain as you sat down at the bar for signs that you'd obviously missed. Sure, you'd seen them flirt, but Portia flirts with all guys. And Kwest. Kwest is polite. Well, you thought he was. You also thought he was your best friend, it was obviously time for a new evaluation of that. Maybe you should put an ad in the paper, you're sure you'd get lots of responses. Although, they'd probably all be girls, and you don't think Jude would be too amused with them. She'd probably put a lock and chain on your pants, which would be fine except for the fact that could raise difficulties in the bathroom. So much for that idea. Besides, anyone who answered a best friend ad in the paper, well, you aren't sure that you want to be around them. That screams "in need of a life." Yeah. You'll just call Chaz up. He's always up for some fun. He was your best friend at one point. You suppose he's probably the closest thing to a brother you'll ever get. Even he knows better than to mess with Portia, and Chaz doesn't know a lot when it comes to limits on sex partners. The media didn't highlight his sex life as much as yours, but he was just as bad! He was just more discrete. You remember this one girl he actually took with him on part of a tour. Like 5 cities. The papers made it out to be love. If you remember correctly, she took it a little too seriously, and he put her on a red eye home after a concert. Apparently she wasn't as fun in Ohio as she was in NY. You tried to tell him not to take her, but he'd insisted she was special. Nope, he will never live that down. He even had to change his number. She wouldn't stop calling him. You almost felt sorry for her. Almost. That is, until she somehow got your number and interrupted your comfort time. Then your sympathy demolished for her, followed quickly by a restraining order against her from the entire band.

"That bad, huh?" Mia asks as she places three shots in front of you. She knew you entirely too well. But at this moment, you are thankful  
because you aren't sure you could decide on your drink.

"Oh, it's worse." You mutter as you down all three shots consecutively, not even stopping to feel the liquid burning your throat like you  
usually do. You just needed to forget. You wanted to pretend that that entire conversation hadn't taken place. It was best for everyone,  
really.

"Tom. I'm sorry!" Kwest finally speaks, and you don't even remember him sitting down. But he had, and you sent him a glare letting him know that you weren't at all amused with his proximity.

"No. You aren't. You just don't know what else to say about the fact that you went after my ex wife!"

"Come on T, you were married TEN years ago!" You wince, because it doesn't seem possible that it was that long ago. But maybe it had been. It's been almost 6 since you met Jude. Wow.

"That doesn't change anything!" You reply sternly, although you can already feel your defenses falling. Ten years was a long time, and it  
wasn't as if you hadn't moved on. Portia deserved to be happy too. But why did it have to be Kwest! Why couldn't it be some model or business guy? No, it had to be your best friend. That you see for hours on end every day.

"T..." He frowns and you almost say something to pacify the situation when you hear her. Jude was here? You turn around to find her walking towards the bar with Sadie. You don't think she's seen you yet, because she probably knows by now. It only takes a moment, but she sees you as well, and she freezes as she quickly darts her eyes to Kwest and then Sadie. It's funny to you how you can just feel her presence, and you are certain it's likewise. She is wearing your sweater, you realize, and something about that makes you smile. Usually when she goes out with Sadie, you'd think she was trying to pick up a guy, but not tonight.

She had taken written all over her, and a sense of pride welled in your chest. You watch as she quickly grabs Sadie's hand, sending you a warm smile, before pulling Sadie onto the dance floor. It's probably your que to get Kwest out of there, but you can't stop watching her, wanting to join her. To show everyone that she was yours!

You wonder why Kwest stopped talking so you glance over at him, and apparently he saw them as well. His jaw is practically hitting the  
floor, so you roll your eyes and tell him to reattach it to his face. He's engaged now.

He mumbles something about looking at something else, but you both know it was a lie, a weak one at that. You suppose you should be happy that he was looking at Sadie, and not Jude, but somehow it doesn't make you feel better. You still feel the need to protect Portia, and if he's not over Sadie, then he shouldn't be engaged. That was a bad bad idea!

"Did you know they were coming?" He asks you and you shake your head. You hadn't told Jude where you were going, actually. You hadn't asked her because she never knows. Besides, even if you had known, you wouldn't have known at the time how ginormous of a mistake it would have been. Well at least with Jude here, you could get plastered and not have to worry about driving home. Ah, the joys of having a girlfriend.

"So how much does she hate you?" You ask, trying to fight off the smile that's begging to reveal itself.

"Sadie?" He asks, glancing over his shoulder again at, you assume, them dancing. Without you even responding he sighs and shakes his head. "A lot more than I was prepared for."

"Do you still love her?" You had a sneaking suspicion that he was now painfully aware that he did, and your stomach sunk because this wasn't going to end well for anyone. Probably not even you.

"I.. I don't know, T. I didn't think so. I mean.. I'm in love with Portia. I am. But Sadie. She's.. Well, she's impossible to ignore." He sighs, and you can't help but understand, because he was right. Sadie was hard to turn down. But that was attraction. Not love.

"So you're just attracted to her? That's it?" You ask, not quite believing him.

"Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to Quincy." He mutters, and he is right. You don't really want to know. It's better for  
everyone that you don't know. Even though his lack of an answer says more than any answer you would have gotten from him. This was beyond bad.

Before you form a response, you feel a pair of arms wrap around your neck, and you immediately spot the star ring on her finger, letting you know that it's her. "Hey baby." She whispers into your ear, and you immediately pull her closer against you, not wanting to let her go.

"Hey girl." You smile as you place a kiss to her hand that's lingering in front of you. Eventually you turn to your left to find Sadie sitting a stool over from you, and you offer a sympathetic smile. There was nothing you could say, but you and Sadie had come to an understanding years ago that you always had each others backs. She nodded in understanding before ordering a drink. You turn around in your stool just enough to see Jude's face. "I like your sweater." You both share a knowing smile as she leans in for a kiss, but it's interrupted by not one, but two clearing of throats. What is with these two and ruining your fun today? Honestly! Jude finally takes the stool in between you and Sadie, and you notice she doesn't even greet Kwest. She definitely already knows. Hell hath no fury like the Harrison sisters scorned. No truer words were ever spoken, and boy were you thankful that you aren't on the receiving end of it this time. It was a nice change. You turn towards Kwest who was staring directly at his drink, not allowing his eyes wonder once so ever. Good boy, you thought. Maybe he'd be okay as long as Sadie didn't talk to him. You weren't sure she'd accept that though, so you didn't see this having an okay outcome. Either he'd end up going home with Sadie, and cheating on Portia, or he was going to get another slap across his face. You hadn't decided which was more likely yet, but you were excited to see. You really hoped it was the slapping sequence though, because cheating was never a good idea. And Portia didn't deserve it. Not by you or by Kwest.

"We really have to start giving warnings." Jude whispered into your ear, and almost wanted to laugh. You had never run into her like thisbefore. Of course, it happened tonight "You okay?" You turn towards her, and your heart breaks as you see the fear in her eyes. Of course, considering your initial reaction, maybe she had a right to be worried. But she didn't need to be. Your feelings for Portia when you two were married didn't come close to what you feel for Jude, much less the residual ones.

"Yeah. I'm good." You smile as you steal a kiss, thankful that no one interrupted it this time until she pulled away for air.

"Good." She grinned as he leaned her forehead against yours, effectively giving you eskimo kisses. You never thought they were endearing until you met her. But they are. After a moment, she pulled away from you again, and as she looked between you and Sadie nervously, her skin paled noticably.

"You okay, girl? You ask worriedly,and watch as she quickly shakes her head and runs towards the bathroom. You almost go after her, but Sadie stops you and goes after her herself. Not that you blame her. You wouldn't want to be left alone with Kwest if you were her either.

"Jude sick?" Kwest breaks the silence between the two of you, and all you can do is shrug. You didn't think she was. Maybe it was something she'd eaten? Had she eaten? No. Neither of you had eaten all day. Ooh. That's not good for the hangover. You make a note to stop by a gas station on your home and grab something to eat. You should know better than to drink on an empty stomach, but you hadn't even realized it until now. The day had been hectic and busy.

"Looks that way." You mumble as you glance to the bathrooms to find that they were still in there. You wanted to go check on her, but you knew Sadie would be angry. Today was not the day to piss her off.

"Shouldn't you go check on her?" He can be so clueless sometimes. Really. For a guy that probably would have been in the top 3 of his  
class, had he not dropped out and got his GED on the road. At least he had done that though.

"I'm protecting you from the wrath, man. You better be thankful." That shut him up fast.

"What am I suppose to do, T? I just .. I didn't want her to find out from someone else."

"Stay out of her way." You decide, hoping to avoid them having one last night. You don't think you'd ever be able to look at him the same again. He wasn't stupid like you. He had self control, and he had morals. You hoped he wouldn't throw me out the window.. For what? Guilt? Sympathy? Residual feelings of a crush? Surely he wasn't that far gone.

"She works at G Major! I can't exactly avoid her forever!" He sighs, and you can tell he wished he could avoid her. But you have a feeling he wouldn't be able to, even if she didn't work there. After all, he was Jude's engineer. Her friend even, but that might dissolved itself tonight. At least for awhile. Sadie would probably forgive him before Jude. Jude hated cheaters. Shay, her dad, it was a slippery slope. You knew that if you cheated on her, she'd never take you back. She wasn't like Portia in that aspect. Portia had accepted, on some level, that you couldn't be faithful. You had tried, but you had failed. But with Jude, there was no question. She might forgive you, but she would never let you hold her in your arms again. And that thought alone makes you want to cry. Not that you would right now, in public. No. But you'd definitely thought about it as you glance back towards the bathroom, still no sign of them. You can't help but wonder what you would do if she cheated on you. It would hurt, like hell. You aren't sure you'd be able to take her back either, but there's a better chance than if you cheated on her.

"I'm screwed, aren't I?" You nod your head, because he is right. There is really not a winning route in this case. It's going to go bad,  
somehow.

"Sorry man." You muster up as best you can. Although it's difficult since you haven't completely forgiven him for proposing to her beforeeven telling you. You don't know if you would have reacted differently, but at least it would have seemed like he cared what you thought! You were just an afterthought! A storm he had to prevent. A ghost of hers he had to fight to win her heart. You would always hold a piece of

Portia's heart. You knew it just as well as she did, and so did Kwest. It wasn't something that you'd ever talked about, but it was just a fact. She loved you too much and gave too much of herself to you to the point, she couldn't ever really get it back.

You see a light in the corner of your eye, and you realize that Sadie is walking towards you. She slows down about halfway, probably to gain her strength to have to look at Kwest, but you want to yell at her to hurry up, to tell you if Jude is okay. "Hey Tommy. Jude.. Jude is sick. I think I'm going to take her home." Sadie frowns, and you pull her into a hug, not knowing what else to do. You think she understands that you feel betrayed too because she hugs you back, and you aren't sure, but you think you hear a soft sob escape her lips. You hate that he still gets to cause her pain.

"I'm sorry, Sades." You coo into her ear as you pull back, making sure to wipe away the single tear that'd made its way down her cheek.

"Yeah." She glanced down at her hands, and then you remember that Kwest is there too. Oddly enough, you'd kind of forgotten about him.

"I'll take her." Kwest jumps in, and both you and Sadie eye him curiously. Neither of you thought it was a good idea, but Sadie was the  
first to speak.

"No. That's okay. You've done enough today. I'll take her" Ouch. For such a small amount of words, that hurt, even you. You watch as Kwest winces, but immediately shakes his head.

"Then, I'll drive both of you. It's... it's the least I can do. Neither of you are able to drive anyway!" He has a point there, we'd both been  
drinking, and Jude would never allow us to drive. It wasn't until then that you realize you'd be left alone, which was so not good for anyone.

"What about me?" You ask, trying to find some kind of fault in his plan, knowing that neither of them really wanted to ride with him.  
Besides, then none of you would have a car in the morning. Damn alcohol.

"You can ride with us, and then when you're sober enough, I will drive you two back for your cars." Damn him and his sensibility. We really couldn't argue, could we? You turn to Sadie for any sort of help, but she seems to be just as lost for excuses as you.

"Why are you doing this?" She asks softly, and for a moment you're not even sure Kwest heard her. Not that you were going to repeat it, but she sure was as sharp as a knife with her words tonight.

"Because I care about you." He responded before pushing himself off of his chair so that he was in her face. Oh no. This isn't good. Warning.Warning. Someone please stop this.

"I think you're confusing me with Portia!" She bit back quickly and turned away to go back to the bathroom, but was stopped when he grabbed onto her wrist.

"Damn it, Sadie. I'm trying to help. Just let me help!" You have a feeling that had a double meaning because a new set of tears were welling in her eyes, but you couldn't comment because you really didn't know. She finally jerked away from him, grabbing her wrist that he'd latched onto gently before walking away, leaving him with out a single uttered word. The things those two say without saying a word is electrifying. Jude had always been more than equipped with words in arguements. In fact, she usually said too much. In the wise words of Hinder, _the sex is so much better when you're mad at me_. Oh, it was so true.

"We should go get the car." You place your hand on his shoulder as you guide him out. He was obviously still playing that scene out in his  
hand, so you made sure to turn him at all the right points. The night air would break him of his daze soon enough. And it does as curse  
leaves his lips as he tightens his jacket around him.

"When did it get so f'ing cold?" He asked, and you couldn't help but laugh. They don't call it The Great White North because of the people. Soon enough, you're both in the car heating up when you see Sadie walking out of the club, trying to support her weight with Jude's, wholooked even paler than before. You jumped out and helped her to the car, and you wanted to get in the back with her, but Sadie gave you a look that said "do it and die." So, you swallowed the urge and allowed her to crawl in beside her. Once they were setteled you sat back down in the front.

"Let's go." You command as you turn up the music to deny and grants of conversation. Nothing good could come from a conversation in this car.


	9. Chapter 9

Sadie pov

You can't believe he had the audacity to say that he cared about you. Had he already forgotten about his fiance? What now that he can't have you, he wants you? Hell no. That was not going to fly at all. Portia had been nice to you when your relationship with Tommy was unraveling. Boy did you have the same taste in guys. You were seriously going to have to work on that. You thought Kwest loved you. He'd told you that he did, and you don't know where it all went wrong. Seven months after you break up, he's engaged! Seven measley months! You've had one long dry spell because you thought he was coming back to you, and then he tells you that he cares about you but he's getting married to someone else! Who does that! You stalk back into the bathroom, but your anger disappears as you see your baby sister heaving dryly over the toilet. "Hey Jude." You frown as you lean over behind her and rub her back until she can breathe again. "We're gonna go, alright?" she simply nods as she lets you help her up. By help her up, you mean you had to lift her dead weight. It seemed as though the sick period had drained all of her energy. Which wouldn't have surprised you if she had been drinking, but she hadn't even had a sip. Once she's on her feet, she tries to hold her weight, but she quickly stumbles and falls against you. Wondering why you didn't let Tommy come get her, you huff and wrap her arm around your shoulder as you make your way towards the exit sign. Could the night get.. No. You would not finish that thought, because after all, you were willingly putting yourself into Kwest's car, with no escape. Nothing about that screamed good idea. In fact, it was more of a Run For Your Life scream.

You are thankful that once you reach the walkway, Tommy is at your side, and he swoops her away from you. Normally, you'd probably make a comment about him being macho macho man, but you didn't have the energy or the fire, so you simply followed behind him, careful not to catch Kwest's eye. You could feel him staring at you, but you refused to look back at him. Never look back, they say. Although, you are technically walking towards his car, you are walking away from him. You have to. He is getting married, and you refuse to be the other woman. Just because your blonde doesn't make you stupid. They never really love the other woman. They just want her. That wasn't enough for you. You wanted it all, and you wouldn't settle for less.

He watches you as you climb into the car, and for once you are thankful that the sweater is a turtle neck instead of a v shaped, because you swear he was staring right at your chest. Perv. You finally look up at him to send him a warning glare, which he sees and immediately faces towards the front of the car. You still feel his eyes glance at you through the rear view mirror, but by the time the car starts moving,  
you're too lost in your thoughts to care. It wasn't the first time that day that you found yourself crying in his car, but you'd be damned if  
you let him comfort you this time.

You'd just hung up the phone with Jude when you heard a knock on your door. You were pleasantly surprised when you saw Kwest on the other side. You'd thought he'd come to his senses, but boy were you wrong. "Kwest. Hey." You smiled softly as you opened the door and let him inside. "What are you doing here?" You glance down, and remember that your only wearing a just big enough towel. A blush spread across your cheeks as you excused yourself to put some clothes on. Wow. That was embarrassing you mutter to yourself as your grab the outfit that was laying on your bed. Taking the towel out of your hair, you pull your hair up into a loose ponytail before walking back into the living room, where he'd made himself, not so comfortable on the couch. You'd missed him being there.

"It looks different." He speaks as his eyes continue to search the room. It was different. There weren't any pictures of the two of you anymore. You'd taken them down six months ago. He just hadn't been to your apartment since.

"Yeah. I took down some pictures." You clear your throat slightly to control your nerves, but it doesn't work well as you watch him nodd his head.

"Oh. Right." He suddenly remembers, and a small smile crosses his face.

You'd taken that as a good sign. Now you wish you hadn't seen it. Because it wouldn't matter. "Do you um.. Want to go for a ride? Talk?"

He asked you, and you nod. Talking didn't seem like a bad thing. It should have. We need to talk is anonimously the scariest phrase in the English language, but somehow you'd missed the connection. Maybe because you didn't think that he could hurt you anymore than he already had. But you were wrong, it's too bad you didn't figure that out sooner. You made the short walk to his car in silence, but that hadn't set off any bells either, because he's never been much of a talker. He was one of those strong silent types. Besides, you rambled enough for the both of you.

The drive started normal enough. He weaved easily through the slight traffic, and although you had no idea where he was heading, you had no intentions to ask. You felt safe with him. You trusted him. "So how are you?" You ask to break the silence. Obviously one of you had to start the conversation, and you're nerves wouldn't allow him any more time. You needed to at least get the conversation started.

"I'm.. I'm good." He smiled as he glanced at you, and he seemed genuinely happy. You'd mistaken that for being happy to be there with  
you, and in hindsight, he really hadn't given you a reason to think that. You just wanted so bad to believe it, that you conned yourself.

The only fool was you.

"I'm glad." You smiled as you fidgeted with your hands, trying desperately to forget the fact that you had no make up on, and your  
hair was a mess. "Me too." You add on, hating the silence that even the soft radio waves couldn't break.

"Listen Sadie.." He began, but he stopped until he pulled over in a nearby parking lot, that you quickly noticed was abandoned, but somehow didn't seem as creepy as it would if you were alone.

"Just say it." You demanded as softly as possible, and if there was ever a moment you could go back in your life and redo, it would definitely be that statement right there. You can't help but wonder if he would have told you if you hadn't forced him. Maybe he would have changed his mind. Maybe he would have kissed you breathless, and whisked you away to his apartment. In hindsight, she was probably at his apartment, so you doubt it would have happened, but it was possible. Anything would have been better than this.

He killed the ignition before turning towards you. You expected his tense muscles to relax when he released the break, but they didn't. In  
fact, they tensed even more so. For the first time since he'd arrived, it was a sign your most naive center of your brain couldn't ignore. Your dreams were being pulled away from you at a snails pace, and you didn't even realize it until it was too late. Much too late. "I have something I have... I need to tell you!"

You forced yourself to swallow as you turned to look out in front of you. A calmness overcame you that you didn't even know you possessed. How could you know, after all? Nothing like this had ever happened to you. You were usually an advocate for closure, this was more like torture. Why did he have to take you somewhere so that you were forced to stay in the car? So that you'd have to face him? Like he was doing now, making you leave your car at the club so he'd have to take you back. It was cruel and unusual punishment. You weren't a criminal, and you didn't deserve the severe punishment. You just loved him. Since when was that a crime? "Okay." You whisper, refusing to meet his gaze that was nearly begging you to meet him halfway. It wasn't an offering you were willing to give him. Not when he was about to kill your faith in all guys. The little you had left. Which wasn't saying a whole lot after your dad, and dating Tommy. You'd thought you could trust him, he was suppose to be the good guy. But he'd destroy you, and there wasn't anything you could do about it.

"I'm engaged to Portia." He'd muttered it as if it was one word. One word that only someone like Mary Poppins could pull off saying. And for some reason, that was all you could think about. How he shouldn't try to make words like that. Next thing you know, he'd be singing about how a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down in the most delightful of ways. And Kwest wasn't a pleasant singer. He couldn't carry a tune any better than you could, but he didn't try to either, so that somehow made it cute when he used to sing you a lullaby to help you go to sleep in the midst of a restless night. The rest of the conversation had blurred in your mind now at the end of the night. You are sure you'd remember it tomorrow in excruciating detail, but now all you could feel were his eyes blazing into you in the rear view mirror, and all you could do was seeth at him and mutter under your breath about him keeping his eyes on the road. Jude had somehow fallen asleep during the drive, and you didn't want to wake her up until you had to. Although, with as much as he was jerking the car, you found it amazing she was asleep at all. Your mom always said she could sleep through a tornado. Maybe she was right. You woke up before the thunder ever shook the ground. Sometimes, when you know a storm is coming, you stay up, all night even, waiting for it to pass. Hours and hours to pass staring at your plain white flat ceiling. You don't know why you do it, it just happens. Maybe because bad things happen when it's raining. You and Kwest broke up during a thunderstorm, it stormed the night your dad moved out, and the night they signed divorce papers, not to mention it was probably the worst storm in history the night your mom ran away with Don. Yes, you had good reason not to like thunderstorms, and your heart ached even more when you looked out the window to find that it was starting to rain. It'd skipped the drizzle tonight and went straight to a near downpour. You weren't sure which was worse, the tease of the drizzle promising worse weather to come or the straight downpour with no warning. You hated both of them really.

"Sades!" You hear Tommy call your name. And you suddenly realize that the car was parked inside the garage, and he was waiting for you to get out. You offer a faint smile for an apology before slowly moving Jude's head off your lap. You almost laugh when she just crashes back into the seat once your up, but Tommy doesn't give you much time to enjoy it because he quickly swoops her up again, and follows you over to the elevator. You aren't sure you'd ever used the elevator, but you didn't think Tommy would enjoy carrying Jude up all those stairs. Even if it would be extremely entertaining to watch for you. You momentarily forget that Kwest is there at all until he has to share the half of the elevator with you . Damn Jude for sleeping. He keeps trying to catch your gaze, but you keep your eyes trained on Jude. You hope she is okay. Something is definitely off with her. It was almost as if she was expecting to get sick, as if it was going to happen a lot. Oh my god.

You're stomach repulses itself, nearly making you do an encore of Jude's events in the bathroom. She isn't. She couldn't be.. No. Jude was definitely not pregnant. Even if Tommy loved her, which you were finally able to accept after so long, you didn't know how he'd react to a baby. Tommy as a dad? You couldn't picture it. Not that you could picture Jude as a mom, but she could adjust. You would help her. If she was pregnant that is. You realize your getting weird looks from both men, but you ignore it because you couldn't explain if you wanted to. No, surely she had food poisoning or something. She probably ate some Chinese that'd been in her fridge a day too long. You told her about that, but she never listens.

The door finally opens, and you breathe a sigh of relief to be able to focus on something else. Like walking. You can faintly feel Kwest's hand lingering on your back as if to steady you, and you wonder how long it'd been there. Surely not long. You shrug him off and walk a little faster to the apartment. You knew it would bring a flash of memories back from before, but you didn't have a lot of options in the matter. Tommy hands you the key so that you can open the door, and you do it faster than even you'd expected. That key card never works for you, but you guess it felt sorry for you too. At this point, you can accept sympathy from a key card.

** I know. I know. No Jommy. But this story totally took a life of its own. Hang in there! 3 **


	10. Chapter 10

Sadie POV

You enter the apartment first, and immediately help Tommy get Jude into the bedroom and put her to bed, making sure there was a trash bin right beside her in case she got sick again. You smile as you watch him discard her boots and jeans before pulling the sheet and comforter over her small frame. You wonder if he'd ever done the same for you, but you somehow doubt it. Sure, maybe a blanket, but not that. Not with such care and precision. You can't blame him for that though. You knew going into it that his heart would never belong to you. But you'd tried so hard to make him happy, to make him proud that it hurt sometimes. And seeing him with Jude only reminded you that you weren't enough. Everyone says your name as if your some goddess, but you aren't. You aren't even sure if your capable of falling in love with. It doesn't seem like it. Guys to look at you, and every now and then, they'll want to pick apart your brain, but they always grow bored. They always find something better. You wish someone would just think you were the best. You are slowly giving up hope on that though. You, the eternal romanticist, had given up on love, or close to it, and that scares you enough to walk out of the room to give Tommy some privacy in case he wanted to change.. Or something.

You bypass the living room, which is where he is, and immediately head for the kitchen. You could use some coffee about now. Anything really. You scavenge the cabinets to find one tea bag. Tea could work too, you suppose as you grab a kettle, and fill it with water. You hope it will help you sober up enough so that you go get your car soon, but you have a feeling that you will be waiting for Tommy, and that could make much longer. You set the kettle on the stove and watch as the electric eye turns a blazing red. You hear someone in the doorway, but you are scared to turn around, so you stay put. You hate how long it takes for water to boil. It really shouldn't take so long.

The intruder clears his throat, and you realize your fear had been confirmed. "What do you want, Kwest?" You wonder if the annoyance came out stronger than your exhaustion. You hope so. But your voice had been betraying you all day, so you weren't counting on it.

"I want... I want you to talk to me, Sadie." He sighs as he leaves the doorway to make his way closer to you. He's so close to you now that you could easily rest your head back on his shoulder comfortably, but you refuse. You won't be his puppet. You won't let him lure you into false security again.

"There's nothing to talk about. You're getting married!" You turn towards him abruptly, finding a force within you that you didn't even know you possessed. "Why won't you just let me go, Kwest? Why?" You think you feel tears on your cheeks, but you can't even feel them welling in your eyes, so you ignore the sensation. He lifts his hands to wipe away the moisture, but you quickly slap them away. "Let me go!" You demand, and yet he still doesn't back away. You suddenly don't feel so strong as you take a step back, landing against a cabinet.

"I can't! Don't you see that, Sadie? I tried! I tried to let you go, but I can't. Because you are upset, and I hate seeing you upset!" He seems so sincere that you truly want to believe that he does hate it. But you know it's a lie. He wouldn't do this to you.

"I'm fine!" You nearly yell at him as you physically push him away. Distance was good. You needed distance to keep your clarity. Portia Portia Portia.

"No you're not! You're crying! Let me help you!" He nearly begs, and you want to let him. You want so bad that it nearly brings another onslaught of tears until he takes a step forward you again, and the anger rises to the top again.

"Get AWAY from me!" Your voice is shrill, almost hoarse, and you hate that you are becoming weak when you need your strength the most. Once again, push him back, and this time he looks as if he got the message. Apparently he didn't as he advanced to you even faster, this time grabbing tightly onto your bent elbows.

"Stop it Sadie!" He glares at you as he forces you to meet his gaze. "Stop pushing me away! Damn it woman! You drive me damn near crazy sometimes!"

"You used to like that about me." You whimper, but you stop yourself as you try to slide out of his grip, but he doesn't budge.

"Why can't you let me help you?" He seemed to ignore your response completely, which only further infuriated you. You hate being ignored.

"Why don't you love me?" You asked, and surprisingly you maintained eye contact. You wanted to know if he was going to tell you the truth.

"I can't answer that." He quickly let go of his hold on you, but this time it was you that stopped him, turning him back towards you as he tried to leave the room.

"I suggest you try real damn hard." You glared at him and watched as his face fell.

"Who says I don't?" He mumbled as as quickly as the words left his mouth, you vowed to make him take them back with a vengence. Your right hand slapped his cheek quickly, almost on its own accord, and all you could think was that he was lucky that none of your rings were twisted around.

"Bullshit!" You retort in a low tone, fighting the urge to slap him again just for his stupidity. How dare he say that to you!

"I told you I couldn't answer it! You didn't want to listen though! You never want to listen! You talk and talk, but you NEVER listen!" He growls at you, and you almost back away from him. But you stand your ground and place your hands firmly on your hips.

"I'm listening now." You declare boldly, but you direct your attention to the door, where Tommy now stood, and you wonder how long he's been standing there, and exactly how much he'd heard. You frown as you step away from Kwest, who now noticed Tommy too. Before either of you could think of a word to say, he shook his head and walked out and back into the living room. Not even glancing at Kwest, you follow Tommy, and you aren't surprised when Kwest lets you. After all, he's the one engaged to Tommy's ex wife.

"Jude okay?" You ask him once you find him sitting in the leather recliner, his face enveloped in his hands.

"I think so." He nodded, but he still didn't look at you, and you felt like a diseased woman. It wasn't your fault that Kwest can't let you go! You'd begged him to. You'd reminded him of Portia, and he still continued to argue. Had you pushed him to the brink? Had your forced him to say those words? Maybe, but that wasn't what you'd expected him to say. It was so far from what you expected, that you could barely even believe he uttered them at all.

"Good." You nod your head as you sat in another recliner, not taking the chance of sharing a couch with Kwest. You hear his footsteps, and soon enough he sits in the middle of the couch. He would. If he thinks your sitting next to him, he is sadly mistaken!

"Someone want to tell me what I just saw!" Tommy spoke swiftly, and you knew instantly that you weren't going to be the one to answer him. You glare at Kwest for a moment, waiting for him to give an answer, but he doesn't. "Well!" Tom was not a patient person, and Kwest was severely pushing his buttons. You did not want to be here anymore. You wanted to go home and crawl into your bed and hide under the covers.

"It wasn't what you think, T." Kwest finally spoke up, and even you couldn't help but scoff. He still didn't look at you, and you didn't know how to feel about that.

"Oh yeah? So you weren't just telling Sadie that you loved her even though you are ENGAGED? Because that's what it looked like to me!" He nearly yelled, and you couldn't help but wonder how long it'd take Jude to come out here and find out what is going on.

"No!" He insisted, and this time he didn't even look at Tommy. Liar! You hated liars. You never knew Kwest would be everything you hated, and yet everything you loved. Although, today it was more of the former than the latter. You were finding it hard to remember why you loved him the more the day went on.

"Oh, give me a break!" Tom huffed, and I couldn't help but smile.

"Can we not talk about this now, T?"

"Sure Kwest. But when? You're bachelor party. You're wedding. Your anniversary? Tell me, when!" You winced at the mention of every occasion. They weren't events you wanted to think of. Hopefully it would be a long engagement. You could hope. You needed time.

"It's not like I planned to say that, T! She just.. She makes everything so damn hard!" He swears, and it's all you can do not to hurl your shoe at him. What nerve he has to blame you!

"I.. I'm going to go check on my tea." You mumble as you make a quick exit back to the kitchen. You are thankful that the water is boiling so you can toss the bag in there. Also gives you a reason to stay out of the living room. You block out the strained conversation in the other room as best you can. You didn't need to hear anymore. None of it was going to make you feel better.

You aren't sure how much time pases, but you assume it's awhile because the cup of tea in front of you had already turned cold on you when you hear a familiar pair of footsteps enter the room. You offer a faint smile in his direction before you refocus your attention on the cup of tea, that you never drank. You couldn't make your hands stop shaking to lift it to your lips, and you eventually gave up.

"Hey Sades." He takes a seat in the chair next to you, and you want to respond, but you can't form any words. How much longer was the day going to get.

"I sent him home. I'll just drive you in the hummer in the morning to get your car. You can crash in the extra bedroom."

"Thanks Tom." You smile thankfully, but can't help but wonder how you hadn't heard the door close. Had you been that zoned out?

Apparently.

"Sadie.. He shouldn't have said that to you. I'm sorry." He frowned as he extended his hands to grab onto yours, offering a faint squeeze. You wish he could help you forget, but he can't, or won't. You aren't sure which one really, but if you'd have to guess it was both. He was a good friend though, and you were thankful to have him as one. It was hard to believe sometimes that the guy that filled your walls as a tween was now one of your best friends and ex boyfriend, and you're sister was an international rockstar. Didn't seem real. But it was.

"I can't believe he's engaged, Tommy. I love him." Tears spewed out of your eyes again, but your barely noticed. You'd cried so many times that it just seemed second nature now.

"For what it's worth, Kwest is an idiot." It was a sweet gesture, but it honestly didn't mean a whole lot coming from him, he was after all, one of the several that threw you away. You weren't enough for him either. At least he never told you he loved you though. At least he had that decency not to lie to you. You wonder if he's been this charming his whole life, or did they teach him how to make girls swoon when he joined Boyz Attack. Of course, then again, he was charming in a different than he was when as a poster on your wall. He might have looked like he was staring into your soul and understood everything your heart desired, but he didn't. Now, he does, and he truly knows you. You weren't just a fan anymore. It was just so surreal.

"You should check on Jude." You suggest, not wanting to talk about it anymore. Not with him or with anyone else.

"Yeah." He nodded as he squeezed your hand again. "Goodnight Sades."

"Night Tom." You smile as you watch him leave the room. He would make a good dad. You decide as your look back down at your cup. So much for tea, you sigh as you pour it down the drain. The guest bed was calling your name.

**There's Jommy in next chapter! I PROMISE!!! **


	11. Chapter 11

11- Jude POV

There's nothing else quite like being jolted from your sleep to vomit. It's worse than any nightmare, and it truly leaves an awful taste in  
your mouth, no matter how many times you wash your mouth out, and smother every inch with toothpaste. It'd happened to you several times the night before, and the only thing that made it barable was that Tommy was right there with you every time, holding back your hair and running a cold wash cloth across your forehead and down each of your cheeks. You must have looked hideous, but he didn't seem to notice. You knew in the club what this meant, but Tommy didn't. Not yet. He might be suspicious, but you doubt it'd really become a possibility in his mind yet. You wish you could have that mindset. You wish you didn't know that this was what your life was going to be like for the next three months, at least. You wondered if he was still going to be there when he found out that you were carrying his child. You thought he would be, but for some reason, you weren't sure.

"Tommy.." You whimper as you lay back down in the bed, hoping that was the last round at least until morning. Why the hell did they call it morning sickness if it was going to keep you up all night too? Didn't seem very fair!

"It's okay, girl. I'm right here." He wraps his arm loosely around your waist and pulls you closer to him as he places a gentle kiss into your hair.

"I'm sorry I ruined your night." You whisper so softly that you aren't even sure he heard you, but you don't have the energy to repeat  
yourself. So you let it go.

"You could never ruin anything for me." It was almost a vow of sorts, a guarantee, but it wasn't one you could believe or accept. You were about to turn his life upside down and you had no idea how to tell him. He was Tom Quincy, you'd never even met his parents. You didn't even know if they were alive. How was it possible that you knew so little about him when he knew everything he could possibly know about you, including that your first, and only, pet was Gizmo. Gizmo was a puppy that your dad bought you on your eighth birthday. He was mini chiwawa. You loved him immediately. You loved that he was so small that even at such a young age as you were, you felt you could protect him from the harsh world of fighting parents, and golden older sisters, not that he had any of them. It was the concept mostly. But Gizmo was so young that he hadn't been trained the ways of living inside. Two days later, he peed on one of your mom's favorite pillows, and that was the last day you ever saw him. You cried for weeks because suddenly the house felt too much big and lonely without him. You blamed your mother for that, you still do. Tommy knows that.

"Tommy?" You whimper, almost in tears from the memories of Gizmo and the uncertainty of everything going on in your life. When had life gotten so complicated? You remember a time when you could crawl into your dad's lap and he'd give you a Hershey kiss, and the world's, well yours, problems just drifted away with the silver wrapping that was discarded into the trashcan. You suddenly wanted a Hershey's kiss more than anything else, but you also knew, somehow, that chocolate wasn't good for pregnancies. You forget why, but you know not to ask for it. You hear a faint "Hm?" in your ear, and it's barely enough to make you continue, but you know that the curiosity will drive you crazy. It did kill the cat, after all. You figure some sayings you should listen to more than others, for example, the stepping on cracks in cement, or even tiles . Seriously! You're always amazed to watch people, and sometimes it seems so effortless that it doesn't seem like they realize their doing it until all of a sudden they take a ginormous step because there are two too close together. "Tell me about your family."

You can feel his body tense against yours, and you hope you didn't upset him. You didn't mean to make him uncomfortable necessarily, you just wanted, you needed to know. After all, how could anything that produced Tommy be bad? You didn't see how it was possible. "They died in a car accident when I was little. I don't really remember anything about them. I was raised by my ma's best friend. She was  
French, and she barely knew any English, which was kind of difficult since I'd never really been taught French. But she did the best she  
could with me. "You frown because you feel like that is something you should know. You were having a baby with a man that you just realizing you barely knew anything about. How had you lived with him so long and not known that.

"So what happened?" You encourage him to continue, because you need to know how he overcame it, and how he became Little Tommy Q.

"When I was about twelve, she got married, and the man, he.. He didn't like me. Since I wasn't in school, he thought I was a waste of human air. I was taking up space that he could use. In fact, he wouldn't even look at me. It wasn't long after they married that he started drinking all of the time.. I was .. I took the blame for things that made him mad because I hated to know what he could do to her. She had such a kind heart, you know? There'd be days where he'd lock me in my room, and not let me out, and when he fell asleep, he slept a lot, she'd slide crackers underneath the door for me. It wasn't much, but he kept the key, so there wasn't anyway she could have given me more."

"Tommy..." Tears are cascading down your face as you turn towards him to find that his eyes are watery as well. "I am so sorry. I .. I shouldn't have asked." You look down to his bare chest, ashamed of yourself. You should have known he was protecting you from something. He always is.

"No girl, I should have told you a long time ago, I just.. It's hard." Your heart breaks all over as one of his tears hits your finger that was cupping his face. Before you can tell him to stop, that he didn't need to say anymore, he continued. Maybe he needed to get it off his chest. Maybe it'd been eating him up, and he had to physically and verbally get it out. Whatever the reason, he continued the heartbreaking story.

"On the days I was allowed out, I ended up causing a lot of trouble in the community. I guess it was a cry for help. I don't know. No one knew what happened behind closed doors, all they knew was that I was the kid who lost his parents. And I was angry at the world for it. Maybe I was." You watch helplessly as he blinks back more tears as best as possible, but he doesn't seem to have any luck.

"I was sixteen when the town finally had had enough of my mischief. Since I was well known for my parents, I guess they thought they were trying to give me a small break. They sent me to a catholic center instead of juvie." Your heart practically leaps as you watch a small smile finally grace his face. How you missed his smile all of a sudden.

"Apparently, Darius went there too. When he was getting together his band, he came back to the school to see if there were any prospects. Darius was all about lost causes back then. We were pretty much all some sort of lost cause in Darius's eyes. Anyway, I was the only one he seemed halfway interested in, which was weird because I'd only had a few months of lessons by then. He called it raw talent. Said that they can do great things with it with the sound board. Who was I to argue with a guy that seemed to have it all. He was my way out of the town that would forever feel sorry for me." He closes his eyes and kisses your forehead. "Long story short, I changed my name and Darius took me under his wing. Anything else, I'm sure Sadie has told you." He grinned, and you were relieved. You usually made a smart comment when he referenced to Sadie's Boyz Attack obsession, but you were just so happy to see him grin, you couldn't bear to say anything. Not right then.

"Then you met me." You smile, hoping it'll bring back the light to his eyes, and it did.

"Then I met the first ever Instant Star." He nodded as he interlaced his fingers with yours. "And here I am." You couldn't help but lean in and kiss him.

"I love you, Tommy." You whisper softly, your lips still so close that they brush against his as you speak, not that you minded. In fact, you would stay that way all the time, if you could. You almost frown when he doesn't automatically respond untill you feel your lower lip being nibbled by his teeth. You aren't sure about much after that because it all became a haze, but you definitely remember him making SURE that you knew how much he loves you, and of course, that you knew his name. You guess the third time was a charm. That seems to fit into a lot of things in Tommy's life.

After only a couple, and by couple you are probably stretching it a little, of hours of sleep, and several more rounds with your new  
intimate friend, the toilet, you make your way into the kitchen and immediately blush to see Sadie sitting at the table, looking like she'd gotten even less sleep than you.

"Uh Sades? Is there a reason you're in my kitchen?" You attempt to remember what exactly happened last night, but the last thing you  
remember is running to the bathroom at the bar, and then you're talk with Tommy. You also wonder where Tommy is. He hadn't woken you up when he left, which wasn't like him. Maybe he felt sorry for waring you out. Oh yes, you remember that too, with a big old smile on your face, in fact.

"You owe me, big time, Jude." Sadie frowned as she continued to stir her bowl of.. You would assume it was cheerios at one point, but you have a feeling she'd been sitting there awhile. You consider taking the bowl away from her, but you decide that's probably not safe until she's finished saying whatever she'd been brewing in that head of hers since she sat down. Had she seen Tommy?

"You're going to have to explain a little better than that, sis. I don't even remember you coming over last night, which is strange, because I  
don't even remember drinking. Did I drink?" You're sure you're mumbling, but someone has to fill the awkward silence, and obviously her lack of talking nominated you.

"About that.. Jude, I think we need to talk." You freeze, wondering what she knew. Had you spilled things other than the contents of your stomach last night? You hope not. There couldn't be a worse time for this to happen.

"About... what exactly?" You tread carefully because there is no way you are going to spill any more than absolutely necessary. Besides, you still don't even know why she's here.

"You didn't have anything to drink, Jude. I can't even count how many times you threw up last night. P.S.. Sex after that. EW!" You watch as she grimaces at what you could only assume what she heard. Your cheeks blush once again as vivid images filter through your mind. You didn't know she was there!

"Oh my god." You cover your face with your hands, trying to forget that you now know she was there! "I'm going to kick Tommy's ass!" You mumble, still not able to look at her. "He knew you were here.. And he.. Oh. He is SO dead when I see him!" You're able to pull away from your shield on pure fury alone.

"Relax. I had my ipod." Sadie tries to calm you down, but it's really no use. He could have at least told you that you were having one of the most embarrassing time slots of your life.

"I am soo sorry, Sades." You can't bring yourself to look at her so you opt for standing and pouring yourself a glass of milk, pretending you didn't see the iced mocha sitting right beside it.

"Jude. I think you should go see a doctor." You forcefully swallow the sip of milk as you sit back down.

"It was just a bug, Sades." You aren't sure who you're trying to convince, but it's pretty clear that she believes you about as much as  
you believe yourself.

"I don't think so, hun." She slowly stretched out her hand to grab onto yours, and tears automatically pool in your eyes.

"I.. I have a test." You whisper, only sparing her a glance long enough for her to nod. You can't believe it. You, Jude Harrison, were having a baby. You always wondered what people meant when they said they just knew. It was as if you could feel it in you. You knew, somehow even with your lack of scholastic aptitude, that wasn't possible, but you just felt it. You'd already almost decided that it was a boy, but you knew you were getting ahead of yourself, more than usual, with that. Although you did hope for a boy. You don't think you could handle a little prima donna running around. With your luck, between Tommy as the dad, and Sadie as the aunt, it seemed almost inevitable. You just hoped it would love music. Wow, where did all of these thoughts come from? You were more comfortable with the fear. It was as if you'd already accepted your fate, and in a way you had.

"I'm going to be right here, Jude." She smiles at you in that way that only your best friend/sister can, and you finally muster up the strength to raise off the chair and make your way, albeit slowly, to the bathroom to retrieve the bag. The bag you had sought out yesterday, even before you'd gotten sick. You suppose you knew that you were going to need it, that you wouldn't have the courage to go back to the doctor alone, much less ask Sadie to go with you. Although now, you're sure she'd volunteer. But you wouldn't wish that cold exam room on anyone. Waiting was tedious, and they did nothing to calm your fears. They treated you like you were a common whore who visited weekly to make sure she hadn't gotten knocked up by the week's latest boy toy. You weren't like that, and they didn't even care. They didn't even ask you. They just guided you to the bathroom and handed you the plastic cup. You don't even think they recognized you. Or maybe they did. Maybe they were just disappointed in you, maybe their kids were fans, and they were ashamed of you. But you were almost 21, damn it. You weren't 15 anymore, and people really had to accept that. You didn't care that you weren't married, why should they?

You took a deep breath before the shame on the nurses face took over your senses. You didn't know any of those things, and it would do you no good to pretend you did. Once the bag is firmly in your griip, you raise yourself back up to look in the mirror to meet Sadie's eyes. They were full of sympathy and love, but you were surprised not to find pity. You figured Sadie of all people would pity you for getting knocked up from Tommy. Did she know more than she was telling? Did Tommy know? A sinking feeling overwhelmed your stomach at the thought. What did he think? Is that why he wanted the house? To appease you? To make you think he was okay with it? To make you think that he didn't care that you'd officially killed any dreams he had left? Before you could control yourself, you collapsed to the floor in sobs, and you barely noticed when Sadie pulled you into her arms. Although it was a nice gesture, they weren't big enough to really console you the way that you wanted. The arms you wanted were nowhere to be found, and it frightened you that it was a feeling you might have to get used to. What if he didn't want you anymore once you gained the weight and had the baby? What if the pressure was too much for him, and he bolted? What if he decided he was better off solo, as he'd done to his band at the height of their fame? You were beyond scared, and there was nothing that Sadie could ever say, no matter how heart warming they were, to make you feel any better. Only Tommy, and even then, you weren't sure you could believe him. Even if he said he wanted the baby, he could easily change his mind! It wasn't exactly unheard of for him. In fact, it was almost expected. You had never talked about having kids. In fact, you're pretty sure before today, you had never even mentioned a kid to him, other than the possible fan or brat you ran into at a grocery store or something. You had no idea how he would react, but you knew that he definitely had a say. The anger in his voice earlier made it clear he had wanted at least to put input his opinion, unfortunately you didn't know what that opinion was, or if it would be different with you. He was older now. Did that matter? You just didn't know.

Eventually your breathing calmed enough to realize that Sadie, at some point, had removed the bag from your death grip and taken out the test. How is she so calm? Your suppose it has to do with the fact that she's not the one whose possibly, more than likely, pregnant. You didn't know what you'd do if Sadie was pregnant, because you can't ever imagine her in this situation. Unless it was planned, and then of course, you would be happy for her. And you can face it, unexpected pregnancy could NEVER happen to Sadie. Gosh, you envied her.

"Want some water?" She speaks softly, as if she's afraid that you're going to jump into the deep end of the insanity pool at any moment.  
Maybe she's right. Either way, you nod your head, any other time, you would have to pee like crazy, but at this moment, peeing was the  
furtherest from your mind. At the doctors office, they made you drink practically a half gallon just so you could pee. Man, that hurt your  
bladder. She stands up quickly to go to the kitchen to grab a cup, and all you can do is hope that there are some waters left. You don't  
remember the last time you two went grocery shopping. It was definitely on your list of things to do now though, if you ever show your face in public again.

"Here you go." She smiles at you for a moment before looking down at her shoes. "I'm going to call Darius to tell him I'm not coming in. I'll be in the living room though if you need me. Alright?" She was scared. You could tell by the way she was nibbling on her lower lip. You wanted to tell her to go onto work, that you would be fine, but you couldn't even complete the thought, much less make it into a sentence.

"Alright." You return what you could only hope to be a resemblance of a smile as your close the door behind her before taking a large swig of the water, pretending it was tequila to calm your nerves. You could go for some alcohol right about now. You bet it would help you pee. Unfortunately the lack of flavor kills your not so vivid imagination of the forbidden drink quickly as the water doesn't even tingle your throat.

You can't help but wish that Tommy were with you right now. You can't even remember if you were suppose to go into work today, but you're sure he'll call you if it's important, aka, if Darius is on a rampage. You have a feeling, Darius will be on a rampage of avalanchic proportions if this test is positive. You could handle failing a school test, but this test got to you because you couldn't even decide which answer would really be failing, and what, if any, were the consequences of such results. There were too many unknowns in the equation for your likings, and suddenly you felt like you were in advanced algebra solving for the imaginary number Z. You never did understand how there were numbers that were imaginary! There were reasons you got a tutor. A very very hot tutor that you had many complications paying attention to any school topic that came out of his mouth. You never told anyone that though, because although he was younger than Tommy was, he was still, for all intents and purposes, your teacher, and you'd been scarred enough to know not to go down that road blindly. You never even kissed him, not even after you had to fire him because of Tommy's jealous rants about the time you spent with him. Given, you were with Tommy then, which was soo much better. Needless to say, you are very curious about what exactly his vocal coach did to help Tommy perfect those high notes, but you were equally sure you didn't want to know. There was only so much you could handle of Tommy's life in twenty four hours. It was weird to think of his life before he met you because you can barely remember your life, if you could call it that, before him. You were a no one. A shadow of Sadie at home and at school. A school where she claimed that you were a long lost cousin. No, you still hadn't forgotten about that. You'd always known that Sadie loved you, despite all evidence to the contrary at that point in your life, she looked out for you, as long as there wasn't a hott guy involved, AKA Tommy Quincy, aka teen heartthrob, AKA the love of your life. Wasn't it strange how he was something different to so many people? Even an ex husband! You just can't imagine Tommy married. Bad husband or not, you just can't see a wedding band on his finger.

After about twenty minutes of chugging down cup after cup of water, your bladder finally realizes that it's full, and you follow the instructions. Not that you read them. Pregnancy tests aren't a very difficult thing to figure out. Even if you hadn't taken one before, and you had. After washing your hands- twice- with nearly scolding hot water, you climb into the empty bathtub and pull the curtain closed.

You're sure more tears escaped, but you don't even feel them. You've become numb to the tears, and you don't know what to make of them. You don't know how to feel about any of this. Could you really raise a child? Could Tommy? Did you even want to? Abortion wasn't an option. You knew that. You'd been against it your entire life, and it would be a little hypocritical of you if you changed your mind now. Besides, you could never kill anything that Tommy made, whether it be a song or a baby, you would love it.

You can faintly hear footsteps before the bathroom door opens and the curtain is drawn back, revealing your crumpled form. You wish it was Tommy, but you knew it wasn't. His steps were much heavier, but you had hoped anyway. "Sweetie.." Sadie cooed softly, and it wasn't until then that you realized that she was holding your cell phone in her hand. "It's Tommy." She frowns, and you can tell she had no idea if you could talk to him right now or not. Honestly, you don't know either, but you're willing to try. You have to. You need to hear his voice. You need to imagine his arms around you, protecting you from everything that is hurtful in the world. You weakly nod as you outstretch your arm to grab the phone, and you're surprised how stiff you arm is. How long have you been sitting there? You didn't realize it'd been so long. That means the test was probably done by now. You wonder if Sadie looked. You doubt it. At least not yet. You're surprised she hadn't been back before now. Maybe she sensed you needed to think. You don't even know if you wanted her there. All you want is Tommy.

"Hey Tommy." You whisper hoarsely, and you wince at how strained your voice is. You're sure he did too.

"How are you, girl? I didn't want to wake you." You can feel your heart flutter at his words as a smile reigns over your face. He always knew how to make you smile. Not that it took a lot for him to do.

"I.. I don't feel so good." You frown as you glance down at your stomach that your other arm was laid across, almost in a protective manner. You don't even remember putting it there.

"Want me to come home?" You can tell he really wants to. He's just waiting for the word. But you can't make yourself say it. He already skipped out on them yesterday for you. You couldn't make him do it again, no matter how much you wanted him to. You would be alright as long as Sadie was there.

"No." You manage weakly as you shut your eyes tightly. "I'll just see you when you get home."

"Are you sure?" You wish he didn't ask that. You would have been able to let him go if he hadn't asked. You would have been able to pretend that he could wait. But he did ask you, and your heart sank.

"No." You whisper as you pull yourself into an upright sitting position, your eyes entranced by the handle that controlled the temperature of the water. You remember the first time you sat in this bath, you were with Tommy, in his arms, and you don't remember a time when you were quite so happy as you were that moment. It was your first night that you officially moved in with him, and you wanted to wash away the day's work, and he'd insisted he joined you, and you had no reason to deny him. It'd been such a long time since you bathed with him.

"Please come home, Tommy." You whisper before flipping the phone shut, not even giving him time to respond. You didn't have any more to say. Sadie was now on her knees on the floor facing you, and tears were welling in her eyes.

"It's going to be okay, Jude. Whatever happens, it'll all work out." You wanted so badly to believe her, but you just couldn't. Nothing ever just works out for you.

"Did.. Did you look?" You ask, not daring to even glance in the right direction.

She quickly shook her head no as she reached out for your hand, giving it a soft squeeze. "I thought you should know before I do, either way."

You nod, because it makes sense. Although you would rather her look and then tell you. You wanted to see her reaction. You wanted to know what you should think. It was just too confusing, because all you could think about is you pushing a little kid in that swing set in the backyard of that house. It was Tommy's fault!

"I.. I think I'm ready." You whisper as you use the side of the tub to pull yourself up to a standing position. You hear several bones pop,  
but you ignore that. You don't want to know how long you'd been sitting there. You're sure far too long.

"I'm here." She smiled as you grab her hand to step out of the tub, for some reason afraid you'd slip even though you were completely dry, as was the floor. She didn't question you though, you suppose she might question your ability to stand when you look at the stick. You felt like you were in a dream. Something so humongous and life changing should not happen on such a casual day, such a casual setting. But it was happening, the pinch you gave your face proved that, well the pain of it, you suppose.

"I can't look at it." You turn towards Sadie in a desperate attempt to postpone the inevitable results.

"You're not alone, Jude." She smiles at you and runs her hand over your hair. She could be a mom. She had the nurturing touch. You were still the baby needing to be cuddled.

You tighten your grasp on her hand as you nod in slight agreement. You don't know if you believe her or not, but you know you have to try, for your sanity, as well as hers. You'd held off long enough. Finally ready to get it over with, you step towards the sink. Your eyes widen in shock at the results and suddenly everything turns black as your knees completely fail you.


	12. Chapter 12

12-- Tommy

You'd forgotten how much harder it was to deal with Speed when Jude wasn't around. You have no idea why you are producing their album, he practically hates you, and you aren't totally sure why. Probably has something to do with you getting locked in that room with Jude when she turned 17. That had been a good day. A productive day. In fact, it had such a good ending, you often forgot how bad it started. You had been so rude to her, but she'd pushed you into a jacuzzi! What did she expect? Flowers?

"You alright, T?" Kwest asks you, and all you can do is shrug your shoulders. You missed Jude, but you weren't going to say that. You'd only been in the studio for a few hours. You'd been late because you had to take Sadie her car. Boy, did she have some choice words for you. It's not like you did things for her to hear. You'd forgotten she was there.

It wasn't like she was in the room. In hindsight, you can understand where it'd be uncomfortable for her, you are her ex, but you honestly forget that sometimes. You spent most of your time with Jude then too. You were an awful boyfriend, which she loves to point out to you whenever she gets a chance. You gave her the day off. You don't technically have that power, but you might as well. It's not like some intern isn't just dying to answer the phone. Weirdos.

"Where's Jude?" Kwest asks, and you are relieved. You didn't want to be the one to bring her up, but you were worried.

"She's sick." You frown, the girl must have the worst immune system ever.

"Oh. Right." Kwest nods his head as if he'd forgotten the night before. You highly doubt that. Especially after the Sadie thing. It makes you mad just thinking about it.

"Too busy thinking about Sadie?" You send him a glare that states that no is clearly the only right answer. You weren't going to let him drag her along. She didn't deserve that. Yes, you went out with her when you already wanted Jude, but Jude was 16 and not an option! What were you suppose to do? You weren't engaged!

"Don't go there, T." Kwest nearly growls at you, and it's all you can do not to make another smart comment. He's just begging for it.

"What the hell were you thinking, man?" You can't let it go because you saw the aftermath. He left. Given, you told him to. You refused to let him hurt her anymore.

"I told you, Tom. She drives me crazy. I can't.. I can't think straight around her." He sighs, and you wonder if he knows how pathetic he seems.

"Get it together. You're engaged to Portia!"

"Oh, let me guess, Tom. She's too special to be treated badly too? What? Are you the exception to that rule? Because I remember you breaking both of them!" You hate when people say that. You know you made mistakes, okay a lot of mistakes, especially with Portia, but he doesn't get to make comments about you and Sadie. He doesn't know! Some best friend he is.

"Just keep it in your pants around Sadie. Alright?" You glare at him until your phone breaks your concentration. Text message from Sadie.

"Call Jude in 5" Worry filled your veins as you read the words. Was something wrong? Did something happen? You jolt out of your chair, not even bothering to answer the unspoken question.

"I gotta go." You mumble, thankful that the guys are getting something to eat at the moment.

You're surprised when he doesn't argue that you left work early yesterday too. You guess he realizes that when Jude is sick, all bets are off. It was new for you. Putting your personal life before your career. You'd never done it before Jude, not ever. You walk quickly out of the building, ignoring the reporters standing there. They are always there. Don't they know people work? Of course, you'll probably make front page news storming out of there like you are. Probably say you were fired for your temper, or quit. They say the craziest things sometimes.

You are in your car in moments and are out the parking lot in seconds. You know it only said to call her, but you don't take chances. If something, heaven forbid, is wrong, then you want to be there instantly. You can barely concentrate on the road now, much less if you knew something was really wrong. It's just not like Sadie to tell you to call Jude. Jude has never been to shy to call you if she needed you.

You pull into your parking space and look at the clock. Six minutes. Not bad, if you do say so yourself. You smile for a moment at the fact that you didn't get pulled over before grabbing your phone and calling Jude. Her voice is weak, and it's obvious that she's upset. It's all you can do not to hang up and run upstairs instantly. You hate not being able to hold her when she's upset. You can't even censor your words, whatever came out happened on its own accord, and you don't even remember what you said.

"I don't feel so good.." She sniffs, and you clutch your hand hard against the door handle, trying to control the urge to run up the stairs to your apartment.

You ask if she wants you to come home because she doesn't know that you're just in the garage. You didn't want her to feel pressured to say yes. Your heart drops when she says no. You hadn't expected that, not really. You hope she's just putting on a brave face, so you ask her if she's sure.

By the time she finally tells you to come home, you are already heading up the first flight of stairs. You realize that it's desperate, even for you, but all you could think about was wrapping your arms around her until she felt better.

You struggle to open the door. You don't think your nervousness is helping any, but you can't control it, so you just keep trying. You hear Sadie call out Jude's name, and you nearly knock the door down with your shoulder, luckily it'd unlocked the last time you tried, so you didn't

break it. She calls it out again, and a moment later you open the bathroom door to find a limp Jude in Sadie's arms. It was obvious that Sadie was having trouble holding her weight, and it threw her off balance when you barged in.

"What the hell happened?" You barked out as you lift Jude from Sadie's arms, and carry her into the bedroom, yelling over your shoulder for Sadie to get a cold washcloth, which she does at a, you swear, a painfully slow pace. Does she not see that her sister just fainted? It's not until you meet her eyes when she hands you the towel that you realize she's in shock. Had something else happened?

"Sades? I need you to tell me what happened." She quickly shakes her head at you, and before you can argue she lifts her hand to quiet you.

"You two need to talk. I'm.. I'm going to go. Tell Jude that I love her, and she can call me whenever." She gives you a faint smile before slowly backing out of the room. You don't have a lot of time to focus on it before you lavish Jude's face with brief sweeps of the rag. It takes

several seconds, but her eyes eventually flutter open, and you don't think you've ever been so happy to see her baby blue eyes.

"Tommy," She whispered hoarsely, and you can tell she's wondering where you came from. "Where's Sadie?"

You offer a soft smile as you run your hands gently across her cheek. "Sadie went out for awhile. She said we need to talk. What's going on?"

Your voice is probably the most gentle it'd ever been, and you can tell she has something important to say as she scoots herself very slowly into a sitting position before crossing her legs into an Indian style position. She pats the bed in front of her softly, gesturing for you to sit down. You watch helplessly as tears fill her eyes, and she doesn't even bother to wipe them away, which is so unlike her because she hates for people to see her cry, to see her weak. You aren't sure if the fame was to blame for that or her pride, but you suspect both.

"I..." Her voice cracks as she reaches out to grab onto your hand with both of hers, which are shaking. "I'm so sorry, Tommy." She whimpers as she lowers her head to look at your hands.

"For what, girl?" You ask, trying to encourage her to tell you what she needed to before you made any rash decisions. Cheating flashed through your mind briefly, but it was erased quickly. You didn't think that's what happened. It was something else. Possibly something even bigger.

"I didn't... I swear it wasn't on purpose." She continues to cry out to you, and all you can do is caress her hands. You hate that you don't know how to make her feel better. You squash any anger immediately because you know that she's trying, and your impatience is your own problem. Not hers. She finally lifts her eyes to meet yours, almost begging you not to make her say it, whatever it is that she has to say.

Her eyes flicker, and suddenly they are void of emotion. Dull. Your heart breaks because whatever it was had caused her to shut herself off to you. You try to think of something to say to break down that wall, but before you can, she makes her way off the bed, pulling you with her back into the bathroom, where you had first found her in Sadie's arms. Somehow it hadn't registered to you that you should look in there for whatever it was.

It's not until she stops in front of the sink that you look down to where her eyes are darted. Your eyes bulge as your grasp on her hand tightens. Suddenly, everything made sense. The questions, the nausea, the hormones. Jude was pregnant. With your baby. A smile sweeps across your face as you pull her into a hug, bringing her feet clear off the ground as you swing her around. "We're having a baby!" You grin uncontrollably into her neck before pulling away just enough to kiss her lips. She doesn't kiss back, and so you slowly let her back down onto her feet. "What's the matter?"

"I.. I didn't know how you'd react." She whispered as she buried her face into your chest, her arms wrapping around your waist. Your fingers gently run the length of her hair to soothe her as you kiss the top of her head.

"Do.. Do you not want it?" You whisper, your heart shattering at the idea of another baby being taken away from you, and there was nothing you could do. You knew she had a career to think about, and a baby could change everything, even between you, but you just couldn't wipe the small off your face as you imagines throwing a baseball with your kid in the backyard. Or a softball, you suppose, if it's a girl. All you knew is that you were going to spoil the child rotten, and you didn't care if they grew up to be brats or not.

"I.. I don't know." She whispers before breaking out into another sob. You make a "shh" sound but you doubt she even heard you. You know that had to of been hard for her to say. "I.. I don't know if I can be a mom, Tommy." She looks up at you, pleading with you to tell her otherwise. Begging you to tell her that she could have the career and the family too. You just didn't know that you could say that. Selflessness had never been Jude's strong suit. Not really. Except when it came to you. But you believed that she would be a great mom. You knew she was worried that she'd end up like her own mom, but you didn't know the words to tell her that. There was an agreement made a long time ago that banished any talk of the woman. You wonder if she's afraid that her child will resent her too.

"I think that we can do anything we want, girl. Anything." You smile at her as you cup her chin with your hands. "Do you want to?" You hope so badly that she will scream yes and jump around in circles of joy, but you know you won't get that reaction, if you get that answer at all. Her eyes are still void of emotion, except possibly fear, and it makes it hard for you to know what to expect. To know if you should be prepared to put on a brave front. To pretend you're okay with losing yet another chance to be a dad, the only big dream you have left. But you know that you aren't the one that's pregnant, so ultimately it's not your decision, a fact that's been pointed out to you far too many times in your life.

Silence fills the room as Jude brings her hand up to yours on her face and intertwines your fingers. Her eyes are set on them, and refuse to move to your eyes, refusing to give you any insight into what she's thinking.

"Tommy.." She whispers hoarsely as she tightens her grasp on your hands, finally meeting your gaze. You swallow forcefully to get rid of the lump in your throat as you nod your head, indicating that you are ready. That you can take it, even if it destroys you.

"I want us to have a baby." A soft smile lights her face for a mere moment before she crashes back into your chest, clinging onto you for dear life, as if she was never going to let go of you. Not that you would mind.

"So, we're getting the house?" You grin, trying to lighten the mood to dry her tears. You hated that she was so scared, but you were so incredibly excited that you were going to be a dad.

"We're getting the house." She offered a faint laugh as she allowed you to pull her in for a kiss, and this time she wasted no time in responding. The kiss deepens, and without even realizing it, you are lifting her up and carrying her back to the bedroom. You smile down at her as you pull of the shirt you're wearing, thankful that it wasn't a button down this time. You lowered yourself back to her lips, and teased them as you slid your tongue along her bottom lip, but withdrew it each time she granted you farther access.

You grinned as you moved away from her lips to her jaw, lavishing it with simple kisses with only a flicker of your tongue to keep it moist. You could tell she was already getting impatient, but you didn't let that stop you. You were celebrating, and you were determined to take your time. You would make sure she remembered how every single touch of your hand or flicker of your tongue felt against her smooth skin. The lower you traveled on her chest, the more she writhed beneath you, lifting herself off the bed to meet you, to feel you against her. You allowed it for only moments at a time, because she knew how to get to you, and if you allowed her to get her way for too long, your plans would come to a crashing halt. You could taste the sweat that was forming on her chest as your hands found her hips, only raising her shirt a half of an inch or so, just enough to run a finger along the sliver of her bare skin. A soft moan escapes her lips, and you find yourself asking why you are torturing both of you with this, but it somehow seems important so you continue, raising her shirt half of an inch after you are certain that goosebumps have covered her already exposed skin where your fingertips have left her craving more attention than you were willing to give it. At least for now.

"Tommy.." She exhales heavily after you release a sliver of her skin from your teeth's hold right above her belly button. You finally pull her up slightly to remove the shirt and bring your lips back to hers, this time making sure not to tease at all as her mouth was already parted for your tongue's entrance. The rest of the day passes in a haze, and it's seven o'clock when Jude's cellphone wakes you up from your exhaustion-induced nap.

"Damnit Sadie." You hear Jude mutter as she blindly gropes for her cellphone on her bedside table, and you can't help but to think the same sentiments. You weren't in the middle of a moment this time, but after a day like that, you needed the sleep as much as you wanted the sex.

"Hello." She finally answers once she located the phone, which had fallen onto the floor. You didn't even bother to try to remember when, or how that happened. It would do you no good.

It was times like these that you wished Sadie talked enough into the phone for you to hear, but she doesn't so you accept that this is going to be a one sided conversation to you until Jude hangs up. "Hey Sades." Jude yawns as she nestles herself back into your arms, and you tighten your grasp around her waist, not wanting to let her go. "Yeah. We were sleeping." Jude grins as you place a kiss onto her bare shoulder.

"Talk? Huh? Oh. Yeah. We talked." You watch as she blushes in embarrassment and you can't help but laugh a little. You had talked! The important words anyway. Anything else could and would never be repeated.

"We're uh.. We're having a baby, Sades." You watch as a content smile crosses her glowing face, and you wonder if she's ever looked so beautiful. You doubt it.

The smile fades, and suddenly you feel like ripping the phone away from her and giving Sadie a piece of your mind for ruining her happiness.

Whatever she said, it wasn't necessary.

"I know!" Jude nearly screams, but restrains herself to a loud whisper.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow, Sadie. Goodnight." She tosses the phone out of her sight, not even bothering to watch where or how it landed, or noticing that the back popped off.

"Jude?" You whisper as she buries herself into your chest, and you can already feel the hot tears against your flush skin. "What'd she say?"

"Don't worry about it." She lifts her head up just enough to offer a faint smile in your direction before leaning in to give you a chaste kiss. "I'm going to go shower. We should rent a movie." She nods her head as she speaks, no longer looking at you, as she wraps a sheet around her torso while she searches for a shirt to put on.

"You know.. you don't have to put on clothes to go shower, Jude." You smile as a blush reddens her cheeks.

"And let you get a free show? I don't think so, Quincy." She winks at you, eliciting a light chuckle from you.

"Well what kind of payment would be required?" You reply quickly, relenting to let go of the playful banter, the thought of a nice hot shower with her seeming better by the moment.

"Oh Darlin.. you don't have that kind of money." She grins, purposefully letting the sheet drop to her feet as she grabbed your shirt.

"Well there must be some way to persuade you." You grin, making your way off the bed quickly, wrapping your arms around her bare waist.

"Well I suppose if you joined me.." She smirked, dropping the shirt 'accidentally' as she wrapped her arms around your neck.

"I think I can manage that." You laugh, using your hands on her waist to hoist her up onto your hips before carrying her into the bathroom. "We really should celebrate more often, Jude."

"I bet, cowboy." She giggles, tightening her legs grasp around your waist as you turn on the shower to heat up the water, making the room fill with steam as you step into the shower, not once allowing her feet to touch the ground.


	13. Chapter 13

**WOW! I am SOOO sorry guys about the hugeee gap in the time of updates. Life is kind of trying to kill me. I can't promise the next chapter soon, but I will try! Don't give up on me!!**

Jude POV

The next morning came entirely too quickly for you, you realize as you grab a bottle of water from the fridge before running out the door. You weren't sure you were going to be able to survive without coffee. Coffee was practically what ran through your veins. How were you going to survive the late nights in the studios now? Water definitely wasn't going to help you. Given, Tommy probably won't want to have you out late anymore, but whether you admitted it or not, sometimes late nights were important.

"Ready girl?" Tommy smiled at you as he entered the kitchen, motioning for a water also. You nod as you throw him yours before grabbing another one.

"Ai Ai Captain!" You laugh as you salute to him. Ok, so you were being incredibly goofy, especially for it being so early in the morning, but you were happy. You were having a **baby **with Quincy.

"I'm going to blame the hormones, and pretend you didn't say that." He winked at you, and of course, you melted.

"Whatever gets you through the day." You respond, grabbing onto his hand, allowing him to lead you out of the apartment.

"That'd be **you**, girl." He pulled you closer to him, kissing your forehead as he waited for the elevator.

"I think I could get used to this, Quincy. Better be careful." You grin, letting your eyes flutter shut as his lips lingered on your skin.

"Me too." He smiled at you, and all you could manage to do was smile. It wasn't right the effect that man had on you. It just wasn't. Everyone always said it would fade away with time, but you swear it gets renewed on like an hourly basis. Not that you were complaining. You never wanted the way you felt right in that moment to ever fade.

The drive to work was mostly quite between you, letting the sounds of the radio take up the silence. Sometimes you felt like such a bad artist, half of the time you had no idea who was playing on the radio. Sometimes it didn't bother you, but sometimes, like then, you hated that you didn't know who sang the song. It was actually pretty amazing.

"She said.." You sang along softly with the artist, keeping your eyes solely on Tommy. "Just close your eyes, lay your head down, and let your fantasies take over now." You still couldn't believe how lucky you were. There'd been a time that you'd nearly expected him to marry Sadie, and as hard as that would have been for you to accept, you would have. At least you were going to try. But thankfully, fate had a different course. A better course, you thought.

"Cause I'll take you over this town tonight. On my magic carpet, so hold on tight." For some reason, you were surprised when he began to sing along. It hadn't even occurred to you to ask if he knew the artist. You blushed in shame, but it was okay because he assumed it was because he was, quite effectively, serenading you.

"I'll take you away from the blinding lights, to places you've never been before." You looked away, out the window, because from some reason, the words were overwhelming. It was hard to meet such a meaningful gaze. It was completely amazing the feeling that consumed you. You believed him. You didn't know exactly what was in store for the two of you, but you believed it was going to be an adventure.

You finally turned back towards him with a bright smile on your face, waiting for the song to pick back up so you could sing back to him. Of course it was going to be a long musical solo. "As we pass the newborn star, she said you remember those stars.." You drifted off from the words as you got lost in his eyes.

You were thankful that you were at a red light, because he didn't turn away from you. Not for a second. Finally, the driver behind you laid heavily on their horn, pulling you both away from the blissful moment that you had shared. "I think that that song is officially my new favorite song." You whisper softly, laying your head back against the seat, your right arm laying across your stomach gently.

"Mine too." He grinned, winking at you quickly before returning his attention to the road. You couldn't remember a time he'd been so careful driving. You weren't sure, but something told you it was because of the baby. Something about that made you love him even more. It hadn't even been twenty-four hours, and he was already kicking into daddy mode. There was nothing more adorable than that.

You arrived at the studio quicker than you'd wanted, and it was then that it hit you full force. You were having a baby. What about your career? Your music? Your dreams? What would everyone- mostly Darius- say? You never thought you were the kind of girl that cared what people thought about you, but having a baby out of wedlock was a huge moral issue. Not one that you particularly cared about, but you'd seen enough in the news to know that there were some people that did care. Darius had dealt with your growing up quite well and you were scared you'd finally drawn the last straw. "I'm scared, Tommy." You whispered, clutching his hand for dear life as your eyes fell to your stomach. There was no bump yet. There were no signs of the pregnancy yet, well no physical ones. Only the vomiting, and you would SWEAR your boobs are bigger today than they were yesterday, but you can't prove that.

"We don't have to tell anyone if you aren't ready." He offered, squeezing your hand as best he could considering the death grip you had on his.

"You wouldn't mind?" You asked hopefully, looking over at him with wide eyes.

"Of course not." He leaned over and placed a kiss on the top of your head. "Anything for you."

"Thanks."


	14. Chapter 14

Oh my god. I am SO sorry guys! Honestly. I don't even have an excuse for my failing so bad, except for a complete lack of inspiration. I thought when the show ended, I'd get reinspired- until the show totally tore out my heart and put it through a shredder. But then Sam (who I owe a big thanks to) brought this story back to my attention. Ahem, and then Joious. (Sorry.) So, here I am. Attempting it. Here we go. Even though, I'm going to be in school in January, so I really can't promise another update anytime soon again either.

Advance apology for no Jommy. I know. I should know better.. :(

**Sadie's POV**

You'd been nervous going into work, knowing that he was going to be there. That he was most likely going to be all over her. Now that you knew, he had no reason to hide it. You didn't eat so that your stomach didn't have anything to send back up at the sight. You were prepared this time. You were prepared for him to say that you made it all up in your head. You would agree with him at that point. Because you would rather that been the case. You figured Tommy wouldn't let you live in that kind of denial though, or let him either.

"Hey Sadie." Portia. You force a smile as you look down at her hand. The ring was huge. How had you missed that? Maybe you hadn't, and you just never figured it was from Kwest, so you never cared. You were pretty sure you would have been at least curious though.

"Hey Portia." Your voice was shaky, but she didn't seem to notice. You had considered her a friend at one time, but you were sure she could never be again. You can't be friends with someone that's engaged to the person you love. There's some sort of cosmic law against it. You were certain you would find a way to ruin the wedding if you were invited. Maybe not intentionally, but you would.

You can see him out of the corner of your eye, he's watching you. Or maybe he's watching her. You aren't sure you really want to know. You refuse to look directly at him. "You okay? Kwest said you were sick yesterday." Your temperature rose a good ten degrees as you balled your hands into fists. You couldn't be mad at her for being concerned, but you were more than pissed that he thought he had the right to say what he knew nothing about.

"Actually, Jude was sick. I was with her." You could have just agreed. It wasn't like it mattered, but you couldn't stomach the idea of letting him think he knew anything about you anymore. He didn't. So you corrected her, even though you know you probably sounded rude.

"Aw. Is she feeling better?" You were honestly surprised by her genuine concern, and for a moment it overpowered your utter dislike for the woman wearing Kwest's ring. It didn't last very long though.

"Yeah. I think so." You force another smile, pushing your hair behind your ears. "She said she's coming in today, so that's good." You nod, because for some reason you believe that it makes your words more true. You really wish you knew more about Jude, but she'd turned her phone off after you spoke to her last.

"Alright, well I have to pick up some stuff for a photo shoot, but I will see you later, Sadie." She was glowing, you realized. Not in the maternal kind of glow, but the glow of a woman who was really happy. He made her happy, so why couldn't you be happy for them? You never thought of yourself as one of those people that couldn't be happy for other people's happiness, but this was showing you that you were. You didn't like it. First Jude and now Portia. Great Sadie, you muttered to yourself, sitting down in your chair.

You'd just turned on your computer when you hear Tommy's voice. You look up to try to talk to Jude- to apologize, but she wouldn't look at you. Instead, she intentionally walked the other way- the long way – to get to her studio. You were thankful when Tommy didn't seem to be avoiding you, until you saw his face. Then you wish he had been. You gulped as he stopped on the other side of your desk, his eyes narrowing on you. You wondered if Jude told him what you told her. You hadn't meant to upset her, you just thought someone needed to be realistic.

"Hi Tommy." You managed to get out to match a weak smile. You told yourself that whatever he said to you, you probably rightfully deserved, so you decided against saying anything else. It was you, after all, that had ruined such a happy day for the two of them. He was allowed to be mad- livid even.

"Sadie." His eyes softened as he followed your gaze to Kwest. You hadn't meant to look at him, it was just a habit. "Sadie, you can't do that." His voice was stern, and you felt like a child being reprimanded for eating cookies before dinner. You didn't snap back though, because you knew Tommy enough to know that he didn't do it to hurt you. He was trying to support you, to help you see that Kwest wasn't worth your pain. You were sure that one day you would thank him for it, but right then, you just felt pain.

"I know." You whispered, because you did. It takes time to program yourself not to want to look at someone though, and you'd only had two days. You needed more time. You needed a lot more time. Following through on your words, you shifted your gaze from Kwest to Jude, but that didn't make you feel any better. So you looked back at Tommy. "I messed up." It seemed like every word you said stabbed just a little bit deeper into your stomach, and you were consciously considering taking a vow of silence for the day. Except for when you answer company phone calls, of course. You were upset- but you did kind of need your job. Even if it didn't always seem so important to you.

"Listen Sadie, I don't know what you said to her. She didn't tell me, but she's really upset. So whatever it is, just apologize and let it go. Please?" His eyes were pleading, and you weren't strong enough to even attempt to stick up for yourself. Not that you had a lot to say in regards to that, except that you thought you'd been doing what you considered right. Didn't that count for something? You wanted it to count for so much that you could nearly taste the desire. But if life had taught you anything, all the wishing and hoping in the world would never fill a glass a water. It wouldn't even give you a sip. It only left you alone and thirsty.

"When's the big announcement?" You ask because you want to be prepared to put on a happy face. You feel you owe at least that. You owe him that. Really, they deserve so much more, but you had to work up to that. Life was all about baby steps, and you were willing to take them. You just hoped you progressed fast enough.

"Not today. She's afraid." You winced because the last time you talked to her, she'd been so happy and ready. And you ruined that. You lowered your head as you focused on your fingernails. You had to fix this, you told yourself. You couldn't make yourself look back up at him, but you said the only thing that you could think of. It was the most honest thing you could have said. You hadn't really expected her to take it so hard. Jude was an expert at blocking everything that you say out.

"I'm sorry, Tommy." You could see in your peripheral vision that he nodded, but it still hurt when he didn't verbalize his acknowledgment. Tommy had always been generally easier on you, especially after the break up, but you couldn't hold it against him. It was his baby.

"I don't want to lose this baby." He shook his head before walking away, and you were left wondering exactly what he meant by that. You didn't have a lot of time to ponder though because someone else was walking towards you. _He_ was walking towards you. You tried to look busy, but since you hadn't actually started working, you had nothing to occupy your hands, so you were left without defense. You did not appreciate his blatant disregard for your demands and needs.

"Sadie." He sighed your name, and all you could do was glare. No words were willing to leave your lips, so you hoped he would walk away. Life did not seem to be on your side though, because he stopped at your desk anyway. You refused to give him any reason to stay, so you turned your attention to your usual tasks. You tried to go along with your day as you would if he wasn't there. His glances seemed to burn holes in your skin though, making you highly uncomfortable. He forced you to look at him, which made you even angrier.

"What do you want, Kwest?" You sighed, wishing more than anything the phone would ring right then. It didn't.

"I want to talk to you.." He mumbled sheepishly, letting a small grin form on his lips, but it did nothing to soften your annoyance for him. In fact, it made you angrier.

"Well, you know what, I am DONE talking to to you Kwest. Done." You shook your head, wishing him to leave. That had taken more energy than you'd wanted to waste on him. You still had to last an entire day, and he was making it harder.

"Can you at least listen then?" Your eyes narrowed on him, but he didn't seem to notice. He was too set on talking to pay attention to anything that you wanted.

"Fine. Talk. I'm listening." You gave in, even though, you had every intention of ignoring 99% of the things he said. It's not like you could trust him to be honest, after all. You would just let him talk, and then he would leave you alone. It seemed simple enough.

"Not now. Tonight. Have dinner with me." You scoffed because you couldn't form any words. He couldn't be serious! There was no way in hell you were going out to dinner with him. He would have to kidnap you, and you would have him arrested. Even if it killed you, it wouldn't be more painful than sitting with him in a restaurant so he can explain why he doesn't love you.

"Please tell me you are kidding."

"Come on Sades. Please."

"KWEST!" You smiled at the sound of Tommy's voice. Tommy was forever your saving grace when it came to Kwest. You would have to thank him, later. When you could speak again. Because at that moment- you couldn't speak. It was absolutely all you could do not to cry. "Come HERE!" The glare in Tommy's eyes could be seen by anyone in view, and you were happy as Kwest didn't try to argue. You watched in complete amusement as he walked over to Tommy- into the studio. That gave you at least a few hours to compose yourself. For Kwest or Jude. Although, you were much more prepared for Jude than you were for Kwest. That you were sure of.

Or so you thought.

It was nearly lunch time when she left the studio. You could tell she wanted to avoid you, and you knew you probably should let her, but then you saw Tommy looking at you expectantly. You owed it to him. Even if it meant you made it worse between you and Jude. Tommy had saved you.

"Jude." You called out her name as you stood up, and you were actually kind of surprised she stopped. She was nicer than you would have been. You grabbed your purse, and walked over to her. She started walking again towards the door once you caught up. You glanced at your watch, it was five minutes till your lunch. Someone else could handle the phone for that long. You decided it was worth it as you followed her through the doors to the outside. You blinked as cameras flashed in your face, and you wondered how Jude ever got used to it. You loved taking pictures as much as the next person, but all you were doing was walking! Plus, this wasn't exactly a conversation between the two of you that you wanted documented with pictures. In fact, you weren't sure you wanted it documented in any way at all.

You weren't surprised that she didn't say anything until you reached your car. Of course she didn't want the press to know you were fighting. At least not what you were fighting about. You started the car and drove off, even though you weren't even sure where you were going. "Any place specifically you want to eat?"

"I'm not hungry." She blushed, and you realized that you hadn't even been thinking about her at all.

"Do you mind if I do?" You weren't willing to make her even more upset, even if you were hungry.

"No. Go ahead. One of us should be able to enjoy food." She smiled at you, and you felt better. You hoped you'd be able to convince her to eat something anyway, though. She needed to eat to keep her strength, as well as the baby. If she was going to keep it.

"You know most people eat more when they are preggo, not stop eating." You grin at her, but this time she doesn't return the favor.

"Well,clearly they enjoy throwing up, Sadie." Jude squirmed in her seat, her arms protecting her stomach as she glanced down at it.

"Alright. Alright. You win." You give in to her quickly. You didn't want to piss her off even more. It wasn't something you needed either.

"Thank you." She whispered as you pulled into the parking lot of the cafe. It used to be your favorite, but it reminded you too much of Kwest, so you hadn't been in awhile. You'd decided that he couldn't control your life though. You just had to make new memories there- better ones. You hoped that this was a start to that, although you couldn't be sure.

"I'm sorry, Jude." You whispered once you slid into a booth. She looked away from you, but nodded anyway. You were glad she was letting you speak. "I didn't mean.. I wasn't suggesting that you get rid of the baby." She glared at you, but you guess she saw the genuineness of your statement, because her eyes softened. "I didn't- I was just trying to make sure you understood. I just wanted you to know what it meant. I wanted to make sure it was worth it."

"I'm scared Sadie." Her bottom lip trembled, and you felt even worse. "What if Darius kicks me off the label? What if all my fans hate me? What if my **baby** hates me?"

You shook your head, because in that moment, you couldn't see how any of that would happen. Darius would look like a monster if he kicked her off, and he was very big on public appeal. He wouldn't risk it, and her fans were old enough to realize that babies happen. They happen at much younger ages than Jude. "Your baby will love you, Jude. That is something I can guarantee."

She was about to respond when the waitress walked over to take your orders. You could tell this wasn't something she wanted leaked to the press yet. Which you understood. The only thing bigger in the news than a baby, was an abortion. That was something you weren't sure her fans would recover from. You both ordered water, and the waitress walked away. "How do you know?"

"Because I know you will be an amazing mom, Jude." You smiled at her with as much certainty as you could.

"I'm sorry I got so upset. It just.. hadn't sunk in yet." She crimsoned as she mumbled the words. It was the Jude you'd been hoping for. The one that understood your intentions.

"You have nothing to apologize for." You shook your head. She hadn't done anything wrong. It'd been your mistake. "I should have waited."

"So, Truce?"

"Truce." You grinned, thankful that it was over. You needed your sister more than ever.

**A/N: I know it's short, but like I said, I kind of lost inspiration for this story, and kind of forgot where I was taking it really. I haven't given up though! Thanks for sticking with me! HEART!**


End file.
